Like the rest of us, the Twins players have varying levels of self-confidence. Also like the rest of us, that self-confidence often has nothing whatsoever to do with actual performance. As part of her ongoing campaign for greater accountability on the field---and deeper understanding off of it---Team Batgirl has been working around the clock to create a psychological tool that accurately reflects the inner state of each Twins player. While only currently available in its "beta" version, Batgirl feels that the results are, well, good enough for the internet. Thus, fully confident in the liability shield erected by her team of lawyers, Team Batgirl proudly presents the "Twins Self-Esteem-O-Meter."

Please Note: Batgirl's webmaster has advised her not to put up so many bleeping photos on the front page. Please click after the next entry to read the whole story.

Test Subject 1: Former Twins Catcher AJ Pierzynski

How we see AJ	How AJ sees AJ

If he does say so himself, our erstwhile catcher is quite a fella. Indeed, taken in isolation, his self-esteem reading is off the charts. But Batgirl's Self-Esteem-O-Meter automatically cross-checks against her equally famous Reality-O-Meter, and in this way, her ex-boyfriend falls short. His self-esteem took a big hit, too, from the Balco hearings, when everyone agreed that he couldn't possibly be on steroids because he’s just not that strong. Still, we can't help it---we miss the big dork.

Self-Esteem-O-Meter Says: 7

Test Subject 2: Twins Leftfielder Shannon Stewart

How we see Shannon Stewart	How Shannon sees Himself

Hey Shannon! Did anyone ever tell you that you're a major leaguer?! That's right, a real live major league baseball player! And a pretty damn good one! We think it's just dear the way you're so sweet and shy, but frankly, we think you need to speak your mind a little more. Where's Corey Koskie to put some peanut butter in your undies and make you feel at home? So, as much as we love you Shannon (and we do, a whole lot), until you let your inner stud out and start acting like a man making a full third more than Joe Mays, your rating is going to suffer.

Self-Esteem-O-Meter Says: 3

Test Subject 3: Twins First Baseman Doug Mientkiewicz

How we see Doug	How Doug sees himself
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Dougie, you're sticky, great-looking, and glib---and you know it! Like Dazzle-man without the mustache, we love your gamer style, and those kicky hiked-up socks. Still, kinda light with the bat for that much attitude, no? Still, you had us from hello.

Self-Esteem-O-Meter Says: This one goes to 11

Test Subject 4: Twins Third Baseman Corey Koskie

How we see Corey	How Corey sees himself

This is kinda sweet actually. Corey, who lives in Minnesota year-round and cheers for the Gophers, sees himself---that's right---as a big ol' Minnesotan. And we love him for it. But we still can't help but think of him as our Canadian brother. Whether it's stepping into the batter's box to the sounds of Rush, or making fun of his time on the Canadian Junior National Volleyball Team, you're a mountie to your teammates and you're Canada to us. In short, the best thing to come out of NAFTA.

Self-Esteem-O-Meter Says: Actually, there's no rating for this one. We just like making fun of Canada.

Test Subject 5: Utility Infielder Nick Punto

How we see Nick	How Nick sees himself

Nick, we haven't known you long enough to form a solid opinion, but as far as we're concerned, Minnesota's answer to Earl Boykins is all right! When we look at you, we see a man shorter than Batgirl tearing around the field like a man taller than Batgirl ---and we love it! You may be Frodo on the outside, but you're Godzilla on the inside. And that works for us!

Self-Esteem-O-Meter Says: 9

Test Subject 6: Center-Fielder Torii Hunter

How we see Torii	How Torii sees himself

Divine with the glove but mortal with the bat, it's Torii Kedar Hunter's supreme self-confidence that's carried him so far. After all, how many other .250 hitters in 2003 are making McDonald's commercials? But despite those numbers, we can't help but love the Medium Ticket. And he's shown a lot of class while being Pipped by Lew Ford. But if he's going to be anything more than Minnesota's answer to Mike Cameron, he's going to have to find his bat—and so far in ’04 he looks great, which is good because we’re ready for Torii to step up and be KG. No matter what, though, we think Torii will still be lovin' it.

Self-Esteem-O-Meter Says: 8

Test Subject 7: Catcher Joe Mauer

How we see Joe	How Joe sees himself

That's right. How we see you and how you see you are exactly the same. You got it together, kid. And that's why---even on the DL---you're Batgirl's current barely-legal catching boyfriend. Don't go changing.

Self-Esteem-O-Meter Says: A Perfect 10

Posted by Batgirl at April 29, 2004 11:38 PM