Twins at Seattle. Twins 5, Mariners 1
Dear Umpire Marty Foster,
You are a stupid-head. You blew at least three calls yesterday, and you blew them hard. You blew them so hard you made Corey Koskie angry. Didn’t anyone tell you that you wouldn't like Corey when he’s angry? Perhaps you need to find a new career, something that doesn’t require good judgment or, for that matter, a shred of common sense. Perhaps the Department of Defense?
Sincerely,
Batgirl
Dear Corey Koskie,
Boy, you sure were pissed yesterday. It was a lot like when the Canadian pairs figure skaters got hosed at the last Winter Olympics, but with less hair. LaVelle E. Neal got mad at you for not coming through in the eighth, but you sure came through the ninth. You gave that ump a talking-to he will never forget. But you didn’t really hit the ball today, which leaves Batgirl to wonder if you still have some issues. Do you still have issues? Have you ever thought of anger-management courses?
Helpfully,
Batgirl
Dear LaVelle E. Neal III,
Batgirl apologizes for making fun of you for being cranky. You have every right to be cranky, and really, Corey, Torii, and Jacque should have scored after Dougie hit a lead-off double in the eighth. Perhaps Batgirl herself was cranky. Perhaps she needed to look in the mirror. Get some sleep!
Humbly,
Batgirl
Dear Jacque,
That was a really nice homer you hit tonight. The Mariners never came back from that. It was nice to see the Twins score some runs again. Sometimes it seems like every pitcher we face is Cy Young, but really they’re not.
Affectionately,
Batgirl
Dear Carlos Silva,
You’re so awesome. You’re like Cy Young. Yesterday, well, kind of blew. We were all up pretty late and Batgirl wove a tapestry of expletives. A very sleepy tapestry. And we used the whole bullpen and Danny Gladden was warming up. And we needed someone to step up to the plate, and you stepped up, but good. One run, five hits, five strikeouts, and eight very quick, beautiful innings. It meant both LaVelle E. Neal III and Batgirl could go to bed on-time. We hope you continue to pitch really awesome and that the Twins signed you to a really, really long contract at major league minimum.
Worshipfully,
Batgirl
Dear Danny Gladden,
You said you went out after the game yesterday. How could you possibly have? It was 2:00 AMCDT! Aren’t you really, really old now?
Confused,
Batgirl
Dear Beloved Readers,
The Twins won today. Luis Rivas even got a hit, with runners in scoring position. And the game only took about 2.5 hours. There is hope, my dear friends, there is hope.
Lovingly,
Batgirl