Twins at Oakland. Oakland 11, Twins 9

One thing you should know about Batgirl’s brother Goober is that he has myriad and bizarre dental problems--so much so that his poor beleaguered wife Sooz has become convinced he has some kind of perverse dental addiction. Right now, Goober has two temporary teeth that keep falling out whenever he sneezes, chews, or breathes. Tonight, Team Batgirl had a dinner teambuilding meeting, and Goober kept accidentally launching a tooth through the air. He would then stick the tooth back in, where it would reside sometimes for entire minutes before it would again make a break for freedom.

So, you will understand when I say that whatever adhesive Goober’s enabling dentist used on these temporary teeth has been far more reliable than our bullpen was tonight. In fact, Goober got a lot closer to the strike zone with his projectile teeth than Juan Rincon ever did with the ball.

Not that the Athletics were much better. The whole game, in fact, played like a schoolyard dialogue that went something like this:

Twins: Our bullpen is suckier!
Oakland: No, ours is!
Twins: Oh yeah? Watch this!
Oakland: You think that’s sucky? Well, try this on for size!
Twins: That’s nothing. Get a load of this suckage-action!
Oakland: (pause) Wow, dude, you’re right. Yours is suckier.

Tonight’s pitching performance included such gems as Terry Mulholland walking two in the tenth inning and Rincon giving up a four pitch walk with the bases loaded. Rincon really needs to watch his petard, or it’s going to get kicked--if not by Rick Anderson, then by Batgirl herself. The whole thing was so dismal on both sides that by the tenth inning the home plate umpire just plum forgot how to call strikes.

Meanwhile, the Twins bats woke up, helping to prove Batgirl’s hypothesis that they only hit when the pitching sucks. Like if Brad Radke just gives up one run, well, where’s the challenge? Where’s the fun? Guzie had a career-high five hits, Dougie popped his first homer of the year, and both Blanco and Offerman broke out of their slumps and got RBIs. This is a good sign, as we may need those bats tomorrow, given Seth Greisinger is pitching tomorrow and our bullpen might be a wee tired. Lord knows Batgirl is.

On another note, tonight’s “television broadcast” helped answer a burning question— In the 8th inning, with one out, Henry Blanco broke to steal 3rd. He apparently hasn’t read Batgirl’s letters. But others heeded Batgirl's cry. Guzie quickly and ingeniously fouled the pitch off, forcing Blanco to hike his slow ass back to 2nd,. Then Guzie hit a short single and as Blanco tried to round 3rd, a cat-like Al Newman leapt through the air, and tackled Blanco’s knees, holding him helpless at 3rd. So, let’s take some time here to say, Dear Guzie, dear Al—thank you, from the bottom of Batgirl’s heart, for if Blanco will not save himself, we will all have to work together to save him.

And tonight we also saw that Dougie has shaved off his chin pubes. One can only deduce then that he, too, is a regular reader of Batgirl, and he thought having his phat phacial hair repeatedly called “chin pubes” really hurt his street cred. So they're gone. And, frankly, the whole episode makes Batgirl drunk with power…even more than before.

But, as a great man once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Batgirl knows that better than anyone. Never fear, gentle readers. Never fear.

Posted by Batgirl at May 8, 2004 02:04 AM