Brewers at Twins. Brewers 7, Twins 2.

Today, Batgirl was at Cooks of Crocus Hill buying a sifter and a medium-sized glass bowl. Normally, she would buy those things at Target, but she was at Southdale for a matinee, needed those items, and happened to wander into said store. Someone at the store offered her a sample of their fine variety of chocolates, and Batgirl politely declined. "Are you sure?" the salesman said. "We have a really good low-carb chocolate."

At this point Batgirl went into a berserker rage. Frankly, it had been building for some time, what with all the commercials for Atkins-friendly dining at Subway and Applebees and TGI Fridays and low freakin' carb beer. Did you know that cottage cheese was low carb? And yogurt? Thank god, finally a diet that allows you to eat cottage cheese and yogurt! So, anyway, as a result Batgirl started smashing pieces of low carb chocolate on the floor and jumping up and down on top of them shouting "STOP IT! STOP IT! STOP IT!"

But that wasn't all. Before the matinee, the theater ran some commercials, including one for low carb Coke. Low carb Coke? Low-freakin' carb Coke? Hey, I know, if you want to lose weight, stop drinking #@$@#$ Coke! So Batgirl let out a high-pitched scream and started ripping apart the theater seats with her teeth. Perhaps you saw it on the news.

Anyway, the point is, the low carb lifestyle isn't all that it's cracked up to be. Today's Twins game, for instance, pitted two Twins pitchers who are low carb devotees against a Brewers pitcher who prefers to combine a balanced diet with regular exercise. Why, just before the game Brewers starter Victor Santos could be seen chowing down on an entire loaf of French bread. Meanwhile, Twins starter Matt Guerrier and bullpen pitcher Terry Mulholland shared a four-foot long steak for dinner and split one lettuce leaf.

Yum yum yum! I'll pitch good tonight!

The rest is culinary history. Santos shut the Twins down tonight. Fueled by a pure carbohydrate rush, Santos struck out 7 Twins and allowed only two hits through the first six innings. "Man," you could hear the Twins muttering in the dugout, "that must have been some good bread."

Meanwhile, Matt Guerrier had ten pounds of medium rare cow sitting in his gullet. At first, it seemed this might work to his advantage; since all his blood had flown to his digestive system he was pitching with a carefree lightness (or lightheadedness?) not seen in his last start. But then, the meat started to digest and Guerrier went into meat-related shock in the fourth inning, allowing three singles and a homer before he recorded a single out.

Guerrier was done for the day; he had to lie down on a cold slab somewhere and lie motionless until the steak digested, but then his dinner date came out and that's when everything really went to hell. Terry Mulholland's arteries were audibly hardening when he was on the mound today, and the experience so distracted him that he pitched as if he were, in fact, a four-foot long medium rare steak. Mulholland gave up three runs in the 5th inning, turning a 4-0 game into a 7-0 game and sending the entire Twins dugout into a serious carb spiral.

Was it any wonder that after the game tomorrow's starter Kyle Lohse could be sharing a large plate of pasta with Johan Santana and Brad Radke? Could you blame the remaining BULLPEN IDOLS contestants gnawing on a 5-lbs bag of Idaho potatoes? They just want to win this series, and if that means eating full carb chocolate, well dammit, that's just the kind of guys they are. Here's to you, carb-eaters.