You thought there was no bench-clearing brawl tonight, didn't you? You thought the Twins let the Bitch Sox pound Corey Koskie three times without repercussions. But, oh, my friends, there were repercussions all right. Serious repercussions. But due to a high-level conspiracy between Fox Sports, the FCC, the CDC, and A-Rod, the video evidence was suppressed, while the dastardly FSN broadcasters looped in footage from other Twins broadcasts. Why? Does the military-industrial-entertainment-sports complex want to keep anything from overshadowing last week's Yanks/Red Sox duel? Does the practice of avoiding major news during political conventions apply to baseball? Or were the Bitch Sox simply too embarrassed by the outcome of the brawl? See for yourself.
1.
With Corey Koskie at bat in the eighth inning, Damaso Marte pitches.
2.
The ball's coming right for him!
Duck Corey! OH MY GOD! Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck!
3.
OUCH!
4.
Wounded, but not defeated, Corey slowly straightens himself up and prepares to walk to first.
Catcher Ben Davis stands up and glares at him, mask still on.
5.
"Is there a problem, sir?" asks Koskie.
"Yeah, there's a problem," Davis says. "Twins suck…And so does CANADA!"
6.
Them's fighting words! The Minnesota Twins rush to defend Corey!
CHARGE!
7.
Let's get it started in here...
...this party's ON!
8.
The two teams collide! Fisticuffs everywhere!
Bam! Boom! Pow!
9.
From the outskirts of the pile, Carlos Lee and Carl Everett pick up Little Nicky Punto.
"Looks bite size!" says Lee. "Let's eat him!"
10.
With a primal scream, Johan K. Santana prepares to save his teammate... and kick some Bitch Sox ass.
"Little Nicky Punto will be eaten again over my dead body!" he shouts, pummeling Lee.
11.
Hey! Where did Don Zimmer come from?
What's he doing? No, Don! This isn't your fight! Hey, watch your step…oh!
12.
An ominous musical theme comes over the loudspeakers. Lew Ford looks up.
"Hey," he says, "what's that music?" An immense form steadily marches from the Bitch Sox dugout.
"No!" cries Ford, "I thought Darth Thomas was injured!"
"Fool," laughs Darth Thomas. "I was not injured at all. I was just getting bionic replacements for my body parts. You are outmatched, Minnesota Twins. I have you now!"
"Oh no!" shrieks Ford. "Whatever shall we do? We're DOOMED!"
13.
"Never fear," says Corey Koskie, stepping up to face the dark lord of the Sith. "I know a thing or two aboot bionic body parts. I shall face him."
"No," cries Lew. "No, Corey, don't, you'll die! Your bionic body parts suck!"
"Then die I shall," says Corey. "This is aboot honor, eh?"
"No, Corey Koskie," intones Darth. "This is about your DOOM!"
14.
Suddenly, from the scoreboard, comes a gleeful shout.
"Not so fast, Darth!"
It's SPIDERMAN!
15.
"Take THAT, Banta breath!"
16.
Then from deep within the brawling pile of players comes a Herculean grunt. Justin Morneau has picked up Paul Konerko!
"Hmmmm," thinks Morneau. "I wonder how far I can throw him…"
17.
KIIIIIIIII-YAP!
"Oh! He went over the fence. Pretty cool, eh?"
18.
Look! It's Automatic Joe Nathan, come in from the bullpen!
"Did somebody need a closer?"
19.
Why, look! The Twins have the upper hand!
GAME OV-AH! The Bitch Sox have been vanquished!
20.
WE WIN!
21.
"Yay!" says Don Zimmer.
"Win Twins!"