Dear readers,
As you know, last week Kris Benson came within a Kubel of being a Minnesota Twin. We can't help but wonder what the Benson family would have thought of Minnesota; after this interview with his wife, model and nympho Anna Benson in which she details quite a bit about their making whoopie. Would Kris and Anna find life kind of slow here in the Minni-apple? How would he fit in with his new teammates? Team Batgirl wonders:

KRIS BENSON: WHAT MIGHT HAVE BEEN

Scene 1: Outside the Metrodome. Shannon Stewart and Cordel Koskie are walking to their weekly gardening group.

Corey: Hey Stewie…
Shannon: Yeah?
Corey: You hear Kris Benson's coming?
Shannon: Yeah. Maybe he'll want to join the garden club?
Corey: Maybe. We should make him feel welcome. Do something nice for him.
Shannon: Yeah. It was so sweet when I came last year and you and Jacque took me to the humane society and helped me pick out Snookums.
Corey: Aw, Snookums. She's a good bunny. How is she?
Shannon: She sleeps next to me. It's really nice.
Corey: Awww…
Shannon: So, anyway, what's Benson into?
Corey: I don't know.
Shannon: We should find out!

Scene 2. Corey calls Matt LeCroy.

Matt: 'Sup?
Corey: Hey Matty.
Matt: Hey Cor. How was garden club?
Corey: Awesome. You should have seen Mrs. Wheedlebottom's begonias. They were just...well, the only word is splendiforous.
Matt: Oh, man. Sorry I couldn't make it; I had book club.
Corey: I know. Hey listen…Stewie and I were talking. You know how Kris Benson's coming? We thought we should do something really nice for him. You know, make him feel at home.

Matt: Man, Corey, that's so great. Sign me up!
Corey: Okay. Stewie and I are going to do some research. We'll call you back.
Matt: Oh, gosh, I can't wait!

Scene 3. Shannon and Corey at home.

Shannon: Looking away …Oh my gracious!
Corey: Biting his lip Well…that's different.
Shannon: Is that legal?
Corey: Well, they sure like the sex.

Shannon shakes his head and picks up the phone and dials

Shannon: Hey, Cor? Ummm…Well…
Corey: Say no more, my good man. I read all about it.
Shannon: Do you know anything about…stuff… like that?
Corey: …No, man. No.
Shannon: What are we gonna do? I don't think a pet bunny's going to cut it.
Corey: Getting an idea. …I'll call A.J. He'll know.
Shannon: Okay, dude. Call me back.

Corey picks up the phone and dials. He waits. AJ's voice mail picks up

Corey: Hey A.J. Um, we've got a situation here that requires your…expertise. Can you call me soon? Miss you! Hugs!

Scene 4: A few hours later. Corey calls Lecroy.

Corey: Hey, Matty?
Matt: What'd you find out?
Corey: Looks around. Well, um…. Stewie and I did some research, and…. He looks around again, then puts his hand over the receiver and whispers into it.

Matt: Mama LeCroy didn't raise no pervo!
Corey: I know, I know, but he's going to be our teammate. We have to do something. The Bensons are going to be here later today. I talked to A.J. He had a few, um, suggestions.
Matt: Sighing. Okay. I'll call in the troops.

Scene 5. Operation Welcome Kris, Stage 1. Cuddyer and Ford.

Cuddy: How long has Benson been in there?
Ford: Dunno.
Time passes.
Cuddy: So…you want to go in and look for him?
Ford: Shaking head frantically. Heck, no. You?
Cuddy: No!:
More time passes.
Cuddy: We're supposed to be making him feel welcome, you know.
Ford: He sure seemed welcome in there!
And still yet more.
Cuddy: What can we do?
Ford: Nothing is to be done.
Time. It passes.
Cuddy: You like gladiator movies?
Ford: What's wrong with you?
The passing of time
Cuddy: I feel weird.
Pass, the time does.
Cuddy: Should we go?
Ford: Yes, yes, let's go.
They do not move.

Scene 6. Operation Welcome Kris: Stage 2. Morneau and Jacque.

Jacque: Come on, Morneau, go in.
Justin: No!
Jacque: Benson's in there all by himself. Go welcome him!
Justin: No!
Jacque: Come on, you're a big leaguer now. Big leaguers go into the S&M stores.
Justin: No.
Jacque: They might not have S&M stores in Triple A, but here in the bigs, we're all about the leather.
Justin: No.
Jacque: I mean poor Krissy's in there all by himself. Don't you want to make him feel welcome?
Justin: No.
Jacque: Dougie woulda gone in.
Justin: Snapping. Fine! Fine! You go in!
Jacque: Hell, no!

Scene 7. Corey and Shannon on the phone.

Corey: Stewie, it's not going well. No one would go into Sexworld or AJ's leather shop. We tried to have a key party, but everyone just threw their keys into a big pile and then took them back again. AJ'll have to explain how that was supposed to work.
Stewie: Man! What's next on the list?
Corey: Um…hot tub party.
Stewie: You mean, all of us in one big hot tub?
Corey: That's what AJ says. I think.
Stewie: Okay, man. Sounds pretty weird to me. The guys won't like it.
Corey: I know, man. I know. I've already talked to them. They don't want to, but they're in. We gotta take one for the team.
Stewie: Okay. I'll call the gang.

Scene 8. All the Twins meet for a hot tub party.

Rincon: This is muey fun!
Hunter: Dude, we gotta do this all the time!
Corey: Hot tubs rule, eh?
Gordo: That's right, Corey Koskie. Touch 'em all!
Kris Benson: You guys are a pack of pervs.

Finis.

Posted by Batgirl at August 2, 2004 11:41 PM