Twins at Cleveland. Cleveland 7, Twins 1.

The political climate in classical Greece was largely defined by the struggle for supremacy between two rival city-states—Athens and Sparta. Athens (hereinafter the Minnesota Twins) was renowned for its intellectual and artistic achievements, while Sparta (hereinafter called "Cleveland") was known for its military might. While Minnesota was pursuing advances in philosophy and astronomy, Cleveland was devoting itself to expanding its power. Minnesota's citizens thrived under a democracy, while Clevelanders cowered under the rule of tyrannical kings. Minnesota's youth were encouraged to become thinkers and artisans, while Cleveland's served only the state. All Minnesota children were cherished and educated with the hope that they might further advance civilization, while all Cleveland babies were examined at birth for physical fitness, and those found inferior were drowned or abandoned in the woods where they were eaten by rabid New York Mets.

Torii Hunter: Look, Matthew Lecroy, I've invented wine!

Shannon Stewart admires his pottery.

In Minnesota, boys were surrounded by literature and music from the time of their birth. Cleveland boys were taken from their parents at age seven, where they were installed in dormitories, fed rocks, and made to live without Harry Potter books; as a result, they could only converse by pointing and grunting dully.

Justin Morneau tries out his sculpting skills.

As these two city-states gained power—the Twins by forging alliances with those who admired their tremendous culture, and Cleveland by seizing it with brute animal force—they were doomed to become enemies. When the two armies met, all of the American League felt the force of the impact.

"Let's go get their book-learnin' bums!"

The resulting war lasted for 28 years. The Minnesotans fought valiantly, but were crippled by sucky starting pitching. And when they finally began to rally in the war's late innings, they were thwarted when Jacque Jones's two-run homer was ruled a double. The grunting, mouth-breathing, military might of Cleveland was just too much.

Ben Broussard pokes Lew Ford in the eye.

But our modern version of the war is not over...far from it. And we can certainly look to history to be our comfort: while, in Greece, the Spartans triumphed over Athens, they grew over-eager in the exercise of their power and the Athenians and most of Greece's other city-states revolted. Now, classical Athens is revered as the crucible of civilization, while Sparta is best remembered for being destroyed by the Visigoths in the 1997 World Series.