New York at Twins. Twins 8, Yankees 2.

Ask any schoolchild who is the most famous King of Crete and they will answer, "George Steinbrenner!" Steinbrenner ruled Crete for many years, leading that kingdom to an obscene number of postseason victories. As a result, Steinbrenner believed himself to be greatly favored by the gods, and to prove it he one day bragged that he could cause a remarkable animal to be sent up from the sea. He prayed to Poseidon for a great creature, promising he would then sacrifice the creature to the god in gratitude. So, out from the waters came Jason Giambi, and Steinbrenner liked him so much that he decided to keep him, and sacrifice Tino Martinez instead.

Poseidon, naturally, was peeved. To get revenge on King George, he made Mrs. Steinbrenner fall in love with Giambi and to copulate frequently with him. As a result, she gave birth to a half-man, half-bull monster known as the New York Yankees.

Enraged and embarrassed, King George had his many minions construct a gigantic labyrinth where the monster would live.

Meanwhile, the great and greedy king set out to increase his power and he began to consume and conquer other city-states. For Steinbrenner had the mighty Bud Selig on his side, and when the other kings would not surrender, King George simply prayed to the almighty Selig to bring famine, ruin, and contraction to their lands.

Starved and spent, the other kings came to Steinbrenner to beg him to relieve their suffering. So King George told them he would be happy to help them—for a terrible price. He told them he would have Selig bring food back to their lands if the kings would give him their seven best players every year, which he would then put in the labyrinth where they would wander around lost and confused until they eventually encountered the viscious Yankees, who would eat them.

The kings had no choice; they needed to feed their people. So every year, players from around the country came and were devoured by the great beast at the center of the labyrinth.

Then one year, a band of noble but scraggly youths known as the Minnesota Twins decided they'd had enough. Too many people had suffered, and too many people had been devoured. So they met with the kings of all the lands and said, "Send us, next year, and we will defeat the dreadful beast."

"No, no!" said the kings. "We cannot lose you, for you have heart and you play excellent defense."

"We must go," said the Twins.

"Oh, all right then," said the kings. "Good luck with that!"

King George was surprised to see the strange crew. "This is a different sacrifice," he said. "I've never seen a group of players quite like this. You are brave, but your payroll is small."

Selig concurred. "An aberration!" he proclaimed. "The Mighty Yankees will eat them before dawn!"

So, with a giggle and a "Toodle-oo!" Steinbrenner placed the Twins in the labyrinth. It was dark and cold in there, and they wandered for days, keeping to a buddy system so no one would get separated. Every once in a while they heard the terrible grunts of the Yankees; with every turn they took, it seemed they were getting closer to their doom.

And then, suddenly, the awful creature jumped out in front of them with a resounding "GARRRRR!"

The player named Lew Ford promptly fainted, but the rest of the Twins bravely drew their bats and balls and stood ready to fight the hideous beast. "GARRR!" it said again. "Didn't I eat you last October?"

"No!" said the man Jacque Jones, "That was totally somebody else."

"Hmmm," responded the Yankees. "Sometimes I don't remember so good. Anyway, I'm gonna eat you now!"

"Ha!" squealed a Twin, stepping forward. "Just try!" At which point the Yankees glanced down at Little Nicky Punto, picked him up in his enormous hands, plunked him in his mouth, and swallowed noisily.

"Mmmmmmm," the monster said, "crispy."

"Goddammit!" cried the Twins. "That's the last straw!" Two burly players from the great northland wielded their bats and started banging on the monster. "Take that!" Corey Koskos yelled, attacking it as if it were a lone chair in a small room behind the visitors' dugout in Jacobs Field. "And that!" cried Dr. Justinian Morneau, hitting it with all the verve of a libidinous young man living in disguise in a hotel full of comely women.

The mammoth creature tried to fight back, but then all the Twins got in the action. A dark man known only as "Bradke" stood back and started firing baseballs at it. The creature stumbled and fell to the ground, whereupon Mssrs. Hunter, Stewart, and Jones jumped forward and began to relentlessly poke the monster. Poke, poke, poke. "How do you like that, huh?" they yelled. "Ever heard of small ball?" Poke, poke, poke. "Ever heard of developing players in the minors?" Poke, poke, poke.

And soon, the great beast was worn down. "I can fight no more," it whimpered. "You motley crew of little leaguers sure do have a lot of heart." And with that, the monster belched its last belch and died.

There was silence in the labyrinth. Santana looked at Silva, Silva at Stewart, Stewart at Rivas, and as one the Twins gathered in a circle around the horrible creature, and took off their hats and bowed their heads.

"He was just a pawn in King George's wicked game," said Juan Rincon.

"He wasn't such a bad little monster. All he needed was a little love," said Jose Offerman.

"Who is the greater monster, the monster, or the monster who pays it 186.7 million?" said Henry Blanco.

"I don't know," said Kyle Lohse. "That's a tough one."

"That was rhetorical," said Blanco.

"Oh, sorry," said Lohse.

"Well," said Shannon Stewart. "We did well my friends. But there is much evil left to conquer. Why, I bet only tomorrow we will find ourselves facing the darkness yet again. But if we work together, and if we start Johan Santana, then we will prevail."

All the Twins put on their hats, picked up their bats and balls, grabbed their buddy's hand, and went on their way.

"Hey," asked Lew Ford, "Does anyone know the way out?"