Twins at Texas. Twins 7, Rangers 4.

The BatFamily had a pretty substantial record collection when Batgirl and Goober were growing up. The records lived behind the yellow and green tapestry patterned couch, under the sofa table, and Batgirl and Goober could often be found playing the albums and memorizing the songs. We forsook such totally square artists as Mozart and Beethoven for hip compilations like Sesame Street Fever, which included such disco classics as "Doin' the Pigeon" and "C is for Cookie (Dance Remix)" and Disco Mickey Mouse . As they grew older, Batgirl and Goober went deeper into their father's collection, and for reasons that Batgirl now cannot parse, BatDad had a sizeable country music collection, including a Kenny Rogers greatest hits album. Batgirl and Goober became quite fond of the song "The Gambler," and Batgirl soon knew all the lyrics.

But eventually, the junior members of the BatFamily grew into teenagers and began to develop their own tastes; Goober discovered Pink Floyd, Batgirl discovered Sting and her Kenny Rogers days were over. "The Gambler" went deep into the recesses of her mind where in ensuing years it was to be joined by everything she learned in high school science classes and the principles of basic mathematics.

Unlike science or math, though, "The Gambler" lyrics were eventually returned to Batgirl's consciousness when Terry Ryan signed Kenny Rogers last spring training. The move kept Johan Santana in the bullpen for a few more months, but as the song goes, "Every hand's a winner and every hand's a loser, and the best that you can hope for is to die in your sleep."

Eventually, enough Twins pitchers found ways to drastically injure themselves last year that Santana found his way into the starting rotation, and to the hearts and minds of voters everywhere. It was no gamble for the Twins; Santana's bullpen prowess only hinted at the starting pitcher he was to become. Rogers, meanwhile, had a season filled with the euphoric highs and wretched lows of any addict—some nights winning big and others coming home completely broke and having to pawn back-up catchers for extra cash.

By the end of the season, Rogers was out of the starting ro' and Santana was our first starter in the playoffs. The Twins told Rogers to walk into the sunset, and he walked straight on to Texas.

In an odd coincidence, before tonight's game Johan Santana found himself sitting across from Rogers as they made their way to the ballpark on the commuter train, just one of Texas's myriad and progressive public transportation options. It was a quiet ride, and the two pitchers found themselves sizing each other up. After a long period of silence, Rogers looked at Santana and said:

son, I’ve made a life out of readin’ people’s faces,
And knowin’ what their cards were by the way they held their eyes.
So if you don’t mind my sayin’, I can see you’re out of aces.
For a taste of your whiskey I’ll give you some advice.

"Sure!" Santana said, handing over his flask and lighting Kenny's cigarette. Rogers took a long drink, drew on his cigarette, exhaled languidly, and then the night went deathly quiet. Rogers' face lost all expression and he said, "If you’re gonna play the game, boy, ya gotta learn to play it right."

You got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em,
Know when to walk away and know when to run.
You never count your money when you’re sittin’ at the table.
There’ll be time enough for countin’ when the dealin’s done.

At that point, Rogers put out his cigarette, rested his hand against the window, and fell asleep. Johan Santana shook his head, grabbed Rogers by the shoulders, and began to violently shake him. "Don't you know gambling is bad for you?" he yelled. "It's addictive and you'll ruin your life. Think of your family, man! When I am president I will stamp out gambling addiction! I will make halfway houses to try to bring people like you back to respectability! Snap out of it, man!"

But Rogers merely slept on, and Johan was forced to take his campaign rhetoric to the pitching mound. "It's a disease, man!" he yelled, striking out two in the first inning. "The addiction controls you!" he proclaimed, striking out two more in the second. "You must reclaim your life!" he encouraged, striking out two more in the fifth. "Oh, and sit down, bitch."

Rogers, meanwhile, couldn't control himself. He took a chance on the second pitch of the ballgame, and Shannon Stewart proceeded to hit it deep to center field. For a few rounds, his luck turned, but again he went one step closer to rock bottom, allowing Henry Blanco to take him yard. By the sixth inning, Rogers refused to admit he was powerless, allowing two doubles, a single, and a walk to give the Twins a 6-1 lead. Clearly, the man had not yet made a fearless and searching inventory of himself.

"Do not worry," said Johan, striking out two in the seventh. "In the Santana administration, Joe Nathan and I will provide treatment programs to help you get back on your feet again. I have learned the value of public service and I am here to serve you and America. Now, please, again, sit down."

Certainly, there has never been a more convincing campaign speech, and one cannot help but think Rogers was more than a little moved. While encouraging Rogers to face his addiction and become the best self he could be to better serve his family and his country, Supernatural also managed to pitch another terrific game, giving up one run and striking out eleven through eight complete innings. The Rangers score became inflated when Santana's proposed ambassador to Australia put two on with two outs in the ninth and then gave up a three-run homer. Whoopsie! Looks like Santana might have to have a talk with somebody about fastballs down the middle, but that is another intervention for another start.

Here's to Victory '04!