Twins at Texas. Texas 8, Twins 3.

Okay, the bad news is that the Twins lost. Well, that's not really the bad news. The bad news, really, is that our starters numbered "three," "four," and "five," are continuing their seaon-long pattern of being as consistent as Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Sucky-Pitcher Pants. I mean, if you're going to ingest some scary drug that transforms you into a completely different person, can't you become, like, Tim Hudson? Please? I mean, look at Chan Ho Park; whatever part of the season he hasn't spent in Triple A he's spent in various emergency rooms and other medical care facilities. And it sure looked like he might have to go quickly back to one of those in first inning today, what with loading the bases with one out. Sure, he then struck Lew Ford out, but then he was about to get a taste of something I like to call Corey Koskie. How do you like them apples, Chan Ho? Parlez-Vous Canadian? You're going to wish you did! Koskie's going to hit the ball so far you’re going to be put on last year's disabled list! He's going to hit the ball so hard it's going to give your mother whiplash! He's going to burst your other appendix and then you won't have any left and your sister's going to have to donate an appendix to you, and then she'll be missing an appendix, and it'll be your fault! He's going to stuff your mouth so full of maple leaves they're going to start coming out of your ass! And then you're going to have to go to the emergency room, and they'll say, "What happened this time, Chan Ho?" And you'll have to say, "I have maple leaves coming out of my ass!" And they'll say, "Oh, because Corey Koskie hit the ball so far it hired a pilot and two flight attendants?" And you'll say, "Yeah, that's right, ha ha, now can we stop talking about it so you can get these maple leaves out of my ass?" And they'll say, "I'm sorry, we just don't have that kind of technology. There really hasn't been much progress in the field of maple-leaf-ass-removal since Wayne Gretzky scored five goals off the Flyers in '82. We operated for two weeks on goalie Pete Peeters." And you'll say, "You fixed him?" And they'll say, "Well, let's just say Mrs. Peeters always knows when it's fall." And you'll say, "You mean I'm supposed to just walk around with maple leaves coming out my ass? I'm a major league pitcher!" And they'll say, "No, actually, you're not. You've been put on the DL again until someone can stop those maple leaves from coming out of your ass." And you'll say, "What? That's not fair! I can still pitch." And they'll say, "Yeah, but Buck Showalter doesn't want any pitcher of his walking around with maple leaves coming out of his ass." And you'll say, "That's patently absurd. Let me talk to Buck." And they'll say, "That's not wise, Chan Ho. I don't think you'll want to leave this room. We're in Texas, and you don't want to walk around with maple leaves coming out of your ass. People here don't truck with that Frenchie shit." And you'll say, "Well, what am I supposed to do now? I have maple leaves coming out of my ass!" And they say, "I suggest learning some Canadian, Mr. Park. I think you might be very popular in Canada."

Or else Corey would fly out on the second pitch to deep left field to end the Twins' last scoring chance for six innings, and then Terence John Mulholland would pitch like he had maple leaves coming out of his ass. Either way.

Batgirl isn't concerned about the loss, really, and she's glad that Mr. Park doesn't have to suffer the same fate of Mr. Peeters, really, she is. And the Twins have managed to build up a commanding division lead even with a rotation of Radke, Supernatural, Mr. Sucky Pitcher, Mr. Sucky Pitcher, Dr. Jeckyll, Radke, Supernatual, Mr. Sucky Pitcher, Dr. Jeckyll, Mr. Sucky Pitcher. God knows how. And if we knew who exactly was drinking the sucky juice at any particular time, then we could plan accordingly. But, assuming this triumvirate of trepidation doesn't all drink the Kool-aid at once and drop us to .475, we'll be heading to the playoffs. I'm not asking for five good starters, or even four. I'm just asking one of you—yes, that's you Carlos, and you Kyle, and you Terence John, to put a string of good starts together so we can count on you for October, otherwise Batgirl's going to have to stuff maple leaves in her own mouth just to stop the pain, and we know where that leads.