Once upon a time, in a Dome over a hard ground, there lived two hobbits. Not a nasty, dirty, retractable Dome, filled with fans eating chi chi appetizers and sunbathing, nor yet a dry, bare Olympic Dome with no one in it to sit down or to eat: it was a MetroDome, and that means comfort.

What is a hobbit? I suppose hobbits need some descriptions nowadays, since they have become rare and shy of the Big People. They are a little people, about half our height, and smaller than bearded dwarves. Hobbits have no beards, though sometimes they try to grow goatees. There is little or no magic about them, except the ordinary everyday sort which allows them to play multiple baseball positions, especially in the infield.

As it was with these particular hobbits, two fun-loving lads named Augie and Little Nicky Punto.

They liked to drink ale and dance jigs and sing long elaborate songs about how great it is to be a hobbit, like, "Darn, I Love Being a Hobbit," and "Hobbits: Wee and Carefreeeeeee."

And, being hobbits, they also liked to get into mischief--even when their friend, the wizard Gardalf, came to visit.

"Hey, Little Nicky Punto, what are you doing?"
"Messing with the fireworks!"
"Gardalf will get angry!"
"He'll never know. Come on, we've already won the division! What are you worried about?"
"You're right, Little Nicky Punto. We're hobbits! Like the song goes…"
"We're wee and carefree!"
{They Sing}
"Okay, Augie, you light it!"
"No, no, you light it!"
"No, you!"

"No! OWWWWW!"

Yes, boys and girls, it is never a good idea to light fireworks inside a tent. And on the off-chance that you are a hobbit, you should be very careful with matches all together, because you might burn yourself, and if you burn yourself, the smell could travel long and far, and in this case it did. The smell of roasted hobbit wafted out of the Shire, past the Old Forest and Bree to Rivendell past the Misty Mountains, through the realms of man and right up to the land of Mordor, where the shadows lie.

Not to mention the evil Dark Lord…

"God I'm hungry. What is that delicious smell????…Could it be…"

"Delicious Hobbit??????!!!!!"

So the Dark Lord of Mordor called his minions, the terrible ringwraiths, a collection of nine once noble All-Stars turned awful by greed and hatred…"Go out and find me those hobbits! I must eat them."

Out of the gates of Mordor rode the nine messengers of doom, toward the poor unsuspecting hobbits, who had no idea how delicious they were.

But someone knew.

"My dear friends, you are in great danger."
"Are you going to turn me into a pig, Gardalf?"
"No, my dear Augie. Far worse than that. There is a great evil brewing in the east. A terrible evil that is very hungry. I'm afraid he wants to eat you."
The hobbits couldn't believe their ears.
"Why would someone want to eat a hobbit? We're small and kind of fatty and are known for our defense."
"Well," said Gardalf, "when the Dark Lord of Mordor sets his eyes on something he usually gets it. But there is a greater danger. You see, the Dark Lord not only wants to eat you, but he also wants the World Series ring."
Little Nicky Punto couldn't believe it. "How greedy is he? He already has, like, 15 of them."
"I know, Little Nicky Punto, I know. But some people's greed knows no bounds. And if Mordor wins another World Series, darkness will sweep over all the land. There will be no joy anywhere. Your people will be made slaves to his terrible ends. We must stop him."
Augie stared up at Gandalf, eyes like saucers. "But how?"
"You must go to Mordor and face the Dark Lord and his evil minions head-on. It would be better to face them here, but we didn't get home field advantage. This will not be an easy task. You may not come back alive. But it is our only hope."

So Augie looked at Little Nicky Punto who looked back at Augie. They knew nothing would ever be the same again. But these were brave hobbits, although they were particularly wee, and they knew what they had to do.

"We'll go, Gardalf. But we do not know the way…"

"Is there going to be second breakfast?"
"I'm afraid we're going to be second breakfast…"
"I've never been out of the Dome before!"

Meanwhile, the ghasty nine made their way toward the hobbits…

…and the World Series ring????

…TO BE CONTINUED!