Twins at Cleveland. Weekend Round Up.

Game One: Twins 3, Cleveland 2.
Game Two: Twins 6, Cleveland 4.
Game Three: Cleveland 2, Twins 1.

In the eighth inning of today's game, with the score tied at 1, J.C. Romero hit Travis Hafner with the bases loaded. Hafner appeared to be in a great deal of pain as a result, but it can't nearly match the pain of Batgirl as that go-ahead run trotted home. She fell to the ground and writhed in agony, her screams summoning the BatTrainer who squatted down next to her and promptly began to test her brain functions.

"Do you know your name?" he asked quickly.

"Batgirl," she groaned.

"Who is President of the United States?"

"Johan K. Santana," she moaned.

"Do you know where you are?"

"In HELL!" she screamed.

Yes, hell is the place where J.C. Romero hits a batter with the bases loaded in a 1-1 tie game, and my children, I suggest you be good in your life and do not sin and attend Twins games regularly so you never, ever have to go there because it is a horrible place full of white-hot flames that burn your insides.

It was such a pretty game before that, too, with Joe Mays pitching like his (very) old self again, mowing down Cleveland's merry band of hamstring injuries just like a fine Snapper lawnmower. Mays pitched seven full innings, walking nobody and allowing just one run, off a homer to Ronnie Belliard. Mostly, his half-innings took 30-45 seconds as he coaxed the batters into one ground ball out after another in a performance that was, dare I say, Carlos Silva-esque.

Unfortunately, playa-hater C.C. "Captain Cheeseburger*" Sabathia was just as effective. It is so heartwarming to see someone like Sabathia do so well in the bigs, overcoming the horrible genetic deformity that requires that he wear his baseball cap all askew. Even though he plays for our division rivals, I think we can really feel good about rooting for him. His heartwarming story is bigger than any petty competition and is a testament to the indomitable human spirit. Thank you, Captain Cheeseburger Sabathia, for reminding us that baseball is not just a game, but it is something which asks us to be our best selves, sometimes in spite of truly incredible odds.

As for our starting nine, Batgirl does not think they can be accused of using the ass-bats today or of being differently-abled themselves. Captain Cheeseburger was fierce, and, to be honest, both starting pitchers were aided by a strike zone so generous that the IRS is considering granting it status as a charitable foundation. Of course, it wasn't generous enough for Mr. Romero, who came on in the 8th to hold the tie for Jumpin' Joe. J. Ro got the first batter in a ground-out, then gave up a single to Ronnie "Stop Getting in Batgirl's Grill" Belliard, and that is when Batgirl started getting a little nervous. For J.C. is a terrific pitcher as long as everything goes his way, it's just when things start to go a little wrong his muscles start to rip through his shirt and his face turns green and his cranium goes all Mark McGwire and you can just barely hear the words, "You wouldn't like me when I suck, Batgirl" before he loses the power of speech entirely and unleashes a torrent of grunts.

Still, today he seemed to contain himself after that base hit, his skin taking on only the slightest shade of spring green before he righted himself and got Coco Crisp to fly out. Then, with two outs, Jose Hernadez came on and grounded to Cuddy, and that's where things got ugly. Pretty soon, there were runners on first and third, Cuddy had a throwing error, Batgirl had dived under the couch and covered her eyes, and J.C. became The Incredible Sulk.

Well, the rest is BatNeurologicalDamage history. J.C. imploded and then Bob "Anybody Got Anything to Eat?" Wickman came on and despite an ERA fatter than, well, himself, retired the Twins in the ninth--ba-ding, ba-dang, ba-done--and didn't even have to put down his meatball hoagie. All this after 2.75 gems of games by our boys. On Friday, Johan Santana, despite not having his best stuff, led them to victory against Jake Westbrook. Santana was aided by another fine offensive and defensive performance by Terry R. Tiffee, who is planning on making it very hard for the Twins to send him back down when Concussion comes back from the DL next week.

Please Mr. Tiffee, please stop hurting us!

And then there's Juan Castro, who apparently decided to use spring training as a chance to get any last bit of sucking out of his defense so he could be fan-freakin'-tastic in the field once the season started. The guy was a walking highlight reel all weekend, earning himself the top three BatGems of the series and reminding us what in the hell he's doing on the roster, anyway.

Oh, and Batgirl would be remiss not to mention the performance of one Dave "I Don't Have Much" Gass "But I'm Good Anyway" ner. Batgirl was a little nervous for Gassner when she heard a pregame interview with Rita Maloney in which it sounded like he was going to piddle his pants, but apparently it just served to get all his pants-piddling out of the way then. Gassner was aided by two three-run homers by Mr. Lew Ford and Mr. Torii Hunter. It was as if the Twins fell into some weird space-time continuum where they were the sort of team that hit three run homers, and while Batgirl liked it very much, she's much more comfortable in this universe, where the Twins prevail on pitching and defense. And as much as both fell apart in the eighth inning today, both gave us the series win. And that makes for a good weekend. Because psychological trauma can heal. Can't it?

On to Chicago. Batgirl will be playing many rounds of Hang the Sox Dude in preparation.

*Batgirl blatantly stole this nickname from TwinsFanCA in the game thread. Can you blame her?