Kansas City at Twins. Twins 10, Royals 9.(10 innings)

Tonight Batgirl will be spending her evening at an elementary school play. The reasons why are not important. Suffice to say, there will be singing and dancing. In the play, in which every student in the fifth grade is allowed--nay compelled--to act, the children will all get a chance to feel as if they're taking part in Theater. All of the elements will be there--excessive stage make-up and rented costumes, theatrical lights, a sound system, and a big curtain through which they can peek to see if their mothers are in the front row.

But of course, this is not a play, really--it is a simulacrum designed to give those happy fifth-graders a taste for the arts, an experience of community, a chance to strut and fret their hour upon the stage and emerge from the other end more confident and better able to accept the challenges of tomorrow (i.e. Junior High). I am not sure how deep the acting talent is in this particular fifth grade, but I think that with a few exceptions, the students will be mostly playing at acting, largely by shouting as loudly as possible. But do we expect anything more? These are ten-year-olds and after it is (blissfully) over we will all comment on how cute it was and tell our respective kidlets how marvelous they were and then run for our cars as quickly as possible.

In the same way that these children will be "acting" in a "play" tonight, the Kansas City Royals "play baseball." In the same way that we do not expect to see any actual talent among these youngsters, we do not really look for actual baseball skill among the members of the Men in Purple. And if somebody does show actual promise, we are all the more thrilled. Good job, John Buck! Someday you might be a real major leaguer! Would you like that?

No, despite the uniforms and the balls and the gloves and the baseball field, there was no actual baseball played by the Royals today. BatMom and Batgirl were there today, they were there through every bobble, through every misplay, through every dropped ball. They bore witness, and they saw such things that the eye never should have to see. They saw missed catches, errant throws, balls through the legs; they saw Shannon Stewart break up a double play just by looking at the second baseman funny, they even saw Big LeRoy hit an infield single. With the possible exception of the Minnesota Twins during the first inning of Game 1 of the '02 ALDS in Oakland, no team has ever sucked defensively as much as the Royals sucked tonight--except the Royals do this every night.

It would have felt like a blowout, were it not for the inconvenient fact that we gave up nine runs and won the game by one run in extra innings. But, see, most of the runs we gave up didn't even count. There was the whole Gassner fiasco--five runs in the first two innings, but, you know, he had one foot on the bus to Triple A, so that's not real. And then Shaggy Guerrier pitched three and a 1/3 terrific innings before (Zoinks!) he began the sixth inning giving up a homer, a walk, and another homer, and that hardly counts either because he did such a nice job before and because Batgirl often forgets he's on the team. Then in the 9th Juan Rincon gave up a run, mostly because Mike Sweeney startled the crap out of him and he balked. So that sort of counts, but not really since Boo never ever gives up runs.

Despite all these runs not counting, the Twins managed to begin the bottom of the ninth down 9-8. But fortunately, they were playing against the Royals and after a Sweetcheeks walk and--of course--a steal (Torii left maybe a beat too early, and pitcher Mike MacDougal saw him go and reared around to throw to second. Torii visibly panicked, stopping for a millisecond. He would have been out by a mile, but MacDougal was kind enough to throw the ball into centerfield. We salute you, Mike MacDougal!), then a Lew Ford Focus hit, then a Little Sweetcheeks double, and, well, it was onto extra innings.

Joe Nathan, the only non-geriatric bullpen pitcher left by that point, came on to pitch the top of the tenth, and let me tell you, there was no simulacrum at all going on there. A respectful and awed silence fell over the Dome faithful as our Veep struck out the side in most excellent fashion.

At that point, Batgirl was pretty sure the Twins were going to do it for her and BatMom at the bottom of the inning--for they were playing the Kansas City Royals, and the Royals totally suck. And sure enough, a Jason Bartlett double, a Big LeRoy single, a Sweetcheeks walk and then it was time for Lew to send us all home. Well in time for the fifth-grade play.