Twins at Kansas City. Twins 2, Royals 1.

It was a battered and bruised Twins line-up that came into Kauffman Stadium today. After a weekend snowed-in in Dearborn, MI, the players found themselves suffering from all sorts of strange luxury-hotel related injuries. Jason Bartlett tore his fingernail trying to move the hotel TV while Juan Castro awoke with a stiff neck, probably because his pillows were not well-fluffed. Lew Ford got a blister on his thumb from spending two days playing Super Mario Brothers on the room's Nintendo while Matt LeCroy suffered severe butt-burn doing cannonballs in the hotel pool. Juan Rincon ate all the mints off the turn-down service cart and got a major case of the Nook Logans, while Little Nicky Punto crawled into a housekeeper's cart during a game of utility infielder hide-and-seek and when he was finally discovered locked in by a maid early Monday morning he was frozen in a crouched position and had to be carried around all day by Carlos Silva. But at least he won. Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau somehow overrode the parental controls on the televisions and watched adult films for 36 hours straight and I don't really want to say what their injuries were. Even the Twins that got out suffered—Torii Hunter and Jacque Jones decided to make use of the time off to expand their cultural horizons and went to the Vintage Couture exhibit at the Henry Ford Museum but ran into Dmitri Young and needless to say, some feathers were fluffed. The fur flew! Seams puckered and hems dropped! Hats went in rings and panties in wads! Issues skirted and shirts stuffed! Belts tightened and shoes fit! They really "socked" it to him! He's probably going to need stitches!

So, anydoodle, on the plane on the way to Kansas City last night, Juan Castro could be found trying to stretch out his neck while Lew Ford worked to force his hands out of their semi-permanent claw position while Juan Rincon sat real close to the bathroom while Matt LeCroy iced his buttocks while Little Nicky Punto let the team doctors try to bend him back in position while Mauer and Morneau…ah, well, never mind what they did. The point is, Gardy could barely field a whole line-up today after the ill-fated series at the Dearborn Ritz-Carlton, but fortunately, he didn’t really have to, because the Twins would be playing the Kansas City Royals, the best crapball team in the AL. Oh, and Johan Santana was pitching and while his teammates were frolicking about doing cannonballs and playing games and visiting museums and scarring their fragile little minds, he spent the weekend in a Jedi trance preparing for today's game. And the thing about Jedi trances is you can do them anywhere, even hellholes like the Ritz Carlton in Dearborn, Michigan. You can do Jedi trances in Peoria, IL or Gary, Indiana or Assville, Alabama or even the freakin' south side of Chicago if you want to. At least you can if you are Johan Santana and you are a Jedi Knight of Pitching Awesomeness. So, before the game tonight, Gardy apologized to Johan, as he often has to. "I'm sorry, Jo, I got eight goons and a gimp hitting tonight," and Johan just smiled his big smile and said, "Happy Birthday!" And then he said "Merry Christmas!" And then he said, "It is no problem, Skip, for I am Johan Santana, I am President of the United States of Batgirl, and I am here to win this game." And Gardy teared up a bit and said, "I love you, Jo," and Johan said, "I know," and Gardy said, "No, no, I really love you." And Jo said, "It's okay. I understand. Men tell me they love me all the time." And Gardy said, "I know, I know, but I really love you. Like not just like-love, but love-love." And Johan said, "I know, Skip, I know," and gave Gardy a huge hug. And then he took the mound and proceeded to make the Royals feel very, very bad about themselves.

Okay, maybe not worse than they felt already, I mean the Royals feel so bad about themselves they're dressing up in little sleeveless pixie shirts as an emblem of their disgrace, but if they could possibly be made to feel any worse about themselves, Johan would have done it tonight. He pitched eight innings and struck out eight tonight, which for him is like a bad night, but at one point he got five outs in a row on strike-outs. And it seemed then that Johan Santana would just strike out every batter he faced for the rest of the year, because he's Johan Santana, and that is just the way of things. Fish gotta swim and birds got to fly and Johan Santana, well, he gots to strike the people out.

Oh, sure, there was a run allowed, nothing to speak of really, and it wouldn't have been a problem had Jose Lima not channeled his inner Santana and become, like, all good and stuff after the first inning. Really! And when we had a threat going in the 8th—causing Lima to have a total meltdown and need to go off and have a little "Lima time," the Royals "Good Bullpen Pitcher" Andy Sisco came out and got the job done.

So it's the 9th inning, tie ballgame, and Batgirl can just see this thing going into extra innings and messing up our whole bullpen and making Batgirl very tense and sleepy. And the "Good Bullpen Pitcher" gets Jacque Jones to ground out, which just shows you how good he is, I mean Jacque Jones! Despite a small room-service mishap, he's on FIRE.

Well, anyway, then a great miracle happens:

Tony Pena takes the "Good Bullpen Pitcher" out.

Yes, yes, it's true. Pena replaces the "Good Bullpen Pitcher" with "Someone Just Up From AA," a chap by the name of Ambiorix Burgos, which is all very appropriate because Batgirl has been popping a lot of Ambiorixes to get through these games. Ambiorix gives up a single to Big LeRoy, then a walk to DJ Cuddles, then Stewie—who had been out for the game because he dropped one of the hotel's dumbells on his foot during his 48-hour workout session, and that just SMARTS!—pinch hits for Rivas and almost hits into a double play. But he doesn't. He DOESN'T. Because we are playing the Royals and the Royals literally and figuratively drop the ball and that allows Lew Ford to come to bat.

The rest, my darlings, is B.O.D. history—except to say that Joe Nathan pitched a 1-2-3 ninth. Strangely, he only struck out the last batter, but that's probably because he'd spent a little too much time in the Ritz's hot tub and was feeling a little lightheaded. It happens.