Weekend Round-Up. Texas at Twins.
Friday, Rangers 9, Twins 6.
Saturday, Rangers 5, Twins 0.
Sunday, Twins 5, Rangers 2.

Batkitty #3 was born in late summer of 2004, perhaps a month before a clubhouse chair in Cleveland looked at Cordel Koskie funny and he beat the living $#!@ out of it. As a result, her perspective on Twins baseball is slightly skewed—she did not know a time when the Twins were not in first place. She remembers dimly a threat from Cleveland, but one that was dispatched quite quickly thanks to a Mulholland-Koskie one-two punch, and from then on all was kitty gravy.

Imagine it. What if you were only around during the second half of our seasons? What if you had never been privy to that horrible era known to Batgirl historians as The Sucking Time? What would you think then? Do you remember last May and June? Or have you blocked it all out? Bullpen meltdowns, ass-bats, Bitch Sox routs, Seth Greisinger, sweeps by the freakin' Devil Rays, series losses to the Royals, the Brewers! Oh, it was awful, and the Twins slipped further and further out of first, while the Bitch Sox climbed their bitchy little way into our proper place atop the AL Central. Oh, it was bad, really bad...in fact, in the overall degree of badness, it was only outshone by the year before when the Twins entered the All-Star break below .500.

You see, if you were a young Batkitten, if all you knew was Johan Santana winning streaks and Joe Nathan automatic-ness and Justin Morneau boom-boom sticks and ever-widening Twins leads in the AL Central, you would be extremely disturbed by events of the past week. I mean, the Twins, they played like ass. Serious ass. We thought it couldn't get much worse than Wednesday's game, when Johan Santana got beat by Big Fat Pee Pee Head Ponson, when the Twins let the Orioles commit three errors and still win the game, when Terry Tiffee and J.C. Romero had simultaneous nervous breakdowns, when Matt LeCroy struck out with two on to end the game. But then it got worse. On Friday, the Twins blew a four-run lead, threw the ball around the park like a bunch of monkeys on Ritalin, and generally looked like Batgirl's tenth grade volleyball team, without the girl-power spirit. Then on Saturday, Kenny Rogers decided to show the Twins what they'd been missing, the Rangers beat up on poor Carlos Silva who'd never done anything to them, and Batkitty #3 was truly despondent.

Oh, you should have seen her. She moped around the house, her ears drooping, her tail between her legs, her fur limp and dull. She looked like Brad Radke after he gave up a homer on an 0-2 pitch today. Really. That bad! And Batgirl and Jeb knew it was time to sit down and explain to her about the Sucking Time.

Well, Batkitty #3 was somewhat upset and confused all morning—up was down and day was night and Justin Morneau was in Triple A. Her confusion continued during the first few innings of today's game as it looked like Chris Young might torture Twins fans and Batkitties for eight or nine innings. And she looked up at us and in her sad eyes we could see the question: "Batgirl? Jeb? Are we in the Sucking Time?"

And Batgirl turned to Jeb and Jeb turned to Batgirl and we looked at each other, our hearts bleeding. We wanted desperately to take Batkitty #3 in our arms and reassure her that we were not, that we would never be in a sucking time again, that her future would be full of glorious Twins victories, that there would never be any extra-inning losses to the Kansas City Royals, but we could not, for life is full of uncertainty, and we cannot keep that from our kitties, no no no, all we can do is love them and try to prepare them the best we can and send them out into the world, hearts full.

I am not saying, by any means, that we are entering a Sucking Time. (I rather hope not, as Wednesday and Friday contained more sucking than Batgirl can really take.) The point is, though, that Batkitties have short memories, especially when they weren't even born when the freakin' Devil Rays took 3 out of 4 at home last year. The point is that sometimes baseball teams suck, for several games in a row. The point is that sometimes, as much as it pains me to admit it, even the Minnesota Twins suck. Sometimes they do it for nearly two months, and they still come back and win the division.

We were just finishing explaining this all to Batkitty #3, our voices hushed and full of import, when Shannon Stewart strode to the plate with two on and hit the snot out of the ball. Batkitty #3 leapt up in the air and started running in circles around the room while Batgirl and Jeb followed close behind.

There was much for a Batkitty to feel good about today—Radke's performance—two runs over seven innings; DJ Cuddles' return to the land of the living, still-yet-further awesomeness by Little Nicky Punto, a nice striking-out-of-the-side by Juan Rincon, a one-two-three inning from Joe Nathan. Why, suddenly, all cylinders were firing again (except perhaps the ones in Lew Ford's knoggin, as he had a rather unfortunate game in center field, but some things are best left unmentioned) and Batkitty #3 had her post-game nap in peace where she dreamt happily of Justin Morneau homeruns. Sleep well, Batkitty #3, and may all your dreams come true.