The day started out well, anyway. Ol' RD managed to score six tickets for next Tuesday's game against the Royals by answering a question on 'CCO. Dave Lee, whom RD likes very much, put your Manifestorian on the air and asked a few questions about whether it was tough being confused with the vintage reliever of the same name. RD didn't have the heart to tell him that we could very well be one and the same. Sitting in traffic on I-94, RD felt like he was doing his part to right the local baseball ship.
RD was confident enough that he spemt a chunk of the evening -- innings 1 through 6 -- watching Young RD's summer league varsity basketball team defeat St. Paul Humboldt. Returning to the RD-mobile, he turned on the radio, imagining a basketball/baseball doubleheader triumph.
Dream on. It was Tigers 5, Twins 2 and getting worse by the mile along Cedar Ave. It was 7-2 by the time we got to Killebrew Drive and time for action.
A-C-T-I-O-N.
From the despair of falling 9 games behind the Bitch Sox, the RD Manifesto took shape. It's advice for everyone. Batlings, ass-batters, managment, worker bees, everyone. It's in no particular order because it's been too difficult to sort out the mayhem of the past couple weeks. Just follow along and, yes, SAY AMEN everybody!
1. To Batlings and their sympathizers: Practice following the spaghetti heap of the Wild Card race. Maybe the Bitch Sox are going to be that good -- or stay that lucky. Start reading the standings thisaway:
Team W L GB
Boston 40 30 --
Twins 38 30 1
Texas 37 31 2
Cleveland37 32 2.5
Yanquis 37 33 3
Detroit 34 33 4.5
The Bitch Sox are fully capable of imploding, yes. But, alas, we're past the point of counting on it.
2. To Johan: You haven't won a home game since April 10. That's back when you had 1 child instead of the current 2. Yes, you're prol'ly as good a Daddy as you are a lefty. But for now, for the next 4 months, take my dear Sweet-N-Sassy's strong suggestion: Get an au pair. You can afford it!
3. To Justin: Quit whining. The shots of you jawing at umpires over called strikes, especially called third strikes, are getting tiresome. You can be great. You ain't great yet. Chill, focus, perform. And learn how to make the first baseman-to-pitcher toss without putting your pitcher in jeopardy on ground balls, OK?
4. To Terry Ryan: Find a hitter! Find this year's version of Shannon Stewart-for-Bobby Kielty. Find the hitter that will make everyone better, preferably someone who can anchor the middle of the batting order in the way that Shannon has taken over the leadoff role. Thanks, in advance.
4a. To Terry Ryan II: Find a hitting coach! Too many pedestrian pitchers are embarrassing your hitters. 14 hits in 3 games against three starting pitchers who wouldn't be good enough to unseat Kyle Lohse. Geezola. Send Scott Ullger to the Dick Such Retirement Manor and let Jerry White have a shot at the job.
5. To Gardy: Kyle Lohse to the bullpen, Terry Mulholland to the rotation. Now! Make a statement that things will change. Mulholland's ascension to the rotation in 2004 helped right a wrong-heading season. If Kyle has great stuff for 3 innings, as was the hardly-a-party line tonight, let him show that great stuff in middle relief and then get him out before the implosion.
6. To Torii: Keep leading by example and with your words. Maybe some of the younger players aren't tuned in yet. They will be. And keep laying off the lousy pitches. If you can do it, so can Cuddyer.
7. To Cuddy: Lay off the lousy pitches. Move your girlfriend to town. Your renaissance, according to what we read and heard, was timed with her earlier-season visit. No babies, though. We're not sure you can afford an au pair yet.
8. To Bradke. Figure it out, OK? Just figure it out.
9. To Cristian, DougieDefence and CanadianCorey: Don't get any ideas. You've all been replaced and it wouldn't be any better with you here. Corey, you're almost an exception, but you're injured AGAIN!
10. To All: Keep the love. Things look bleak right now. But there are 94 games to play and, providing everyone takes the RD Manifesto to heart and acts appropriately based on these suggestions, there's plenty of time to save the season. The longest journey begins with Joe Mays sticking it up Detroit's ass-bats Wednesday night.