Kansas City at Twins. Royals 3, Twins 1.

After Tuesday's game, Juan Castro could be found huddled in a corner of the Twins clubhouse. As is well known, Joe Mays cannot stand to see a teammate upset, so he promptly went over to try to cheer him up. It used to be that Mays would use physical humor to help break the ice in such situations, until late last July when he did his famous orangutan-mating-dance imitation for one rather blue looking Doug Mientkiewicz, who promptly kicked Mays in the nads and then started weeping uncontrollably.

Well, so, this time, Mays opted to approach Castro more gently; he sat down next to the veteran infielder and convivially slapped him on the back.

At which point Juan Castro let out a girlie scream to the high heavens and ran from the room.

"That was weird," said Mays. "Huh. Well, better go tell Gardy all about my new pregame routine."

Before the game Wednesday, Castro reported that he'd been experiencing dizzy spells and would be unable to play. Gardy took one look at him and said, "Yeah, man, you look like hell." Gardy clapped him on the shoulder avuncularly, at which point Castro turned green and passed out.

"That was weird," said Gardy. "Huh. Well, better go try to hide from Mays."

Well, no one had too much time to focus on Castro, as the Twins had a game to play. It takes a lot of concentration to drop the ball all the time and blow so many scoring opportunities.

No one heard anything from Juan Castro at all, in fact, 'til the seventh inning when Hector Carrasco beaned Michael Cuddyer in the wrist, and a strange keening noise came from the clubhouse. Gardy found Castro in a blithering heap on the floor.

"Juanie, I know you're not feeling well, but I need you to go in. Cuddy was hurt, and you have to run for him."

But Castro just shook his head violently. "No!" he said. "No! I'm not going out there!"

"What is it Juanie?" Gardy said. "What's wrong?"

"The curse has come upon me!" wailed Castro.

Well, Gardy's not a dumb man, and pretty soon he was able to put two and two together.

"Oh," he said. "You're scared because we're going through infielders like pancakes!"

"YOU BET YOUR SWEET ASS!" screamed Castro.

Yes, Gardy had hit the nail on the head. Juan Castro was scared because they were going through infielders like pancakes. And not thick, buttermilky pancakes, either, but the kind of crepe-like pancake that is as light and thin as a butterfly's ass. For the events of the past months had caused Juan Castro to wonder: could the stories he had heard as a child been more than myths?

The evidence was mounting. First Brent Abernathy mysteriously disappeared from the active roster, then something ate Little Nicky Punto. Then Rivas went down, and then yesterday Glenn "Who?" Williams succumbed. Coinkidink? I think not. By the time Michael Cuddyer was making his way into the training room holding his wrist, Castro knew—it was all true, every horrible world.

"Gardy, you cannot put me out there," Castro yelled. "I am only one man, and El Monstruo, he cannot be stopped."

Gardy stopped. "What the $@*! is El Monstruo?"

"You do not know of El Monstruo?" He looked around the room quickly, then turned back to Gardy and whispered, "Back in my home village, we told stories of a horrible creature who preys on infielders. I used to think it was just a story, something to give young boys nightmares, but now, I am beginning to believe. I am afraid, Gardy. I am afraid of El Monstruo. We cannot stop his terrible mission. Once he begins eating a team's infielders, he will not stop until he has gone through the whole organization. He mostly comes at night. Mostly."

Representation by Natalie Dee.

"El Monstruo came into being when the Chupacabra mated with George Steinbrenner. He is merciless, and his appetite insatiable. You saw what he did to the Mets. Oh, Gardy, we’re all doomed. Doomed!"

Gardy scratched his head. "Um, Juan?"

"Well that's great, that's just $@$%!*' great man. Now what the *@$% are we supposed to do? We're in some real pretty $#!% now man..."

"Juan?"

"That's it man, game over man, game over!"

"Excuse me...Juan?"

"Yes, Gardy?"

"Get the hell out there and play ball."