A decade after the signing of the Declaration of Independence, Congress sent a Constitution on to the states to be ratified. But ratification was all but certain. Due to problems caused by the weak Articles of Confederation, the new Constitution outlined a much stronger central government than was provided for in the earlier document, and many feared that the new Constitution would mean a return to a British-style monarchy. Eventually, a compromise was reached—the states would ratify the Constitution if it would eventually include a Bill of Rights designed to protect individual liberty.
The debate was not over, though; indeed, the ideological dispute between the Federalists, who valued a strong central government and a privileged ruling class, and the anti-Federalists, who were concerned with individual liberty and the common man, would frame the development of the new country. While both sides had high-profile proponents, none were more famous than Alexander Hamilton Scioscia for the Washington Federalists of Anaheim and Thomas Jeffenhire for The Minnesota Democratic Republicans—later shortened to "Twins."
The two men did not like each other very much, it must be said. In a letter to his colleague Col. Ken Macha of Oakland, Virginia, Scioscia wrote:
Mr. Jeffenhire is at the head of the faction decidedly hostile to me and my team. In respect to foreign politics, the views of this gentlemen are, in my judgment, unsound and dangerous. He has a womanish attachment to France and a womanish resentment against Great Britain.
Soon afterwards, in a letter to Terry Ryan, Jeffenhire wrote:
If he loves the British monarch so much, why doesn't he just marry him?
Then, in an e-mail to his mother, Scioscia said that Mr. Jeffenhire had questionable parentage, at which point Jeffenhire sent his own mother flowers with a card that read, "Alexander Hamilton Scioscia has a stupid ass-face." Scioscia said that Mr. Jeffenhire's bullpen ace was "a big fat hairy cheater," and Jeffenhire suggested that Mr. Scioscia should "put his Brendan-Donnelly-pine-tar-glove where his mouth is." Jeffenhire then accused Mr. Scioscia of preferring "the calm of despotism to the boisterous sea of liberty," whereupon Mr. Scioscia responded that Mr. Jeffenhire's mother had been "quite boisterous the preceding evening, I can assure you."
One evening, Mr. Jeffenhire was celebrating his birthday at a house of ale with some of his "Twins," when Mr. Scioscia entered with a posse of Federalists, on a break from leafleting. As soon as the crowd in the ale house realized what was happening, they went deadly silent.
"Hello, Alexander Hamilton Scioscia," muttered Jeffenhire.
"Hello, Thomas Jeffenhire," sneered Scioscia.
"What brings you here on this lovely evening?" snarled Jeffenhire.
"Oh, just out looking for traitors," smiled Scioscia. "See any?"
"Why," snapped Jeffenhire, "I outta…!"
"Bring it, bee-yach."
But then Jeffenhire stepped back. "No," he said. "I will not sully my republican views with violence. There is only one way to settle this, Alexander Hamilton Scioscia."
One of the Twins, a Matthew LeCroix, looked up. "A dance-off?" he said hopefully.
"No," said Jeffenhire. "We should have a debate, like civilized people. Our side against their side. "
"Fine," said Scioscia. "We'll debate."
"Fine," said Jeffenhire. "I have the perfect man for the job, he's just off his high school debate team. His name is Scott Baker, and he's going to kick your monarchy-loving heinie."
"Oh, yeah?" said Scioscia. "Well, I'm going to use Santana!"
The Twins gasped. "Johan Santana?"
"No," said Scioscia. "Ervin Santana."
A moment of silence, then anti-Federalist Lew Ford whispered loudly, "There's an Ervin Santana?"
The Twins started laughing then, but as George Washington says, he who laughs first is so busy laughing he strikes out with men in scoring position. For Federalist Ervin Santana, while lacking in any real debate skill, possessed a truly ingenious strategy—he would take so long to get his point across that his opponents would entirely lose track of what he was saying and ground out.
Though, Santana did have a few bon mots—who can forget when he turned to Justin Morneau and screamed, "Unfettered democracy is anarchy!" causing Morneau to lose his thoughts entirely and stare blankly back at him for five to ten minutes.
Young Master Baker got in some good lines, too—he caused much hooting amongst the Twins when he struck out Darin Erstad with a quick, "Those who labor in the earth are the chosen people of God!"
But, for the Twins, it was not to be. Baker did his best, but as Benjamin Franklin says, without run support, what in the hell can you do?
The most poignant rhetoric came, though, not in the debate itself. In the final round, the referee began making some mysterious calls. Mr. Morneau was caused to leave the debate platform prematurely, followed by Mr. LeCroix. As he walked out of the ale house, Mr. LeCroix was heard to yell, "Give me a plot of land, a hoe, and a dream of self-sufficiency, and give the ump some bleepin' blargin' EYEGLASSES!"
But it was no use. The Federalists had emerged victorious, and the Democratic Republicans would need to wait another day. And wait they would. As Scioscia started victory-dancing all up in his enemy's grill, Jeffenhire stared at him with his cool blue eyes and growled, "This isn't over, Scioscia. This isn't over."
