Baltimore at Twins. Twins 3, Orioles 2.

AP WIRE REPORT
Minneapolis, Minnesota

Emotions ran high on the Metrodome Plaza today as a local girl was rescued from what was once thought a bottomless pit.

Twins Territory resident Batgirl, age, um, 27, was pulled from the Holy Crap That Sucked Monument three days after she fell in during the Minnesota Twins ill-fated weekend series against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim.

Ms. Girl lived on stale cake and dirt but what really kept her alive, she says, was hope.

"I knew I wasn't going to be down there, forever," said Ms. Girl. "I knew they'd come for me—eventually."

But would they come in time? On the last day of her confinement, Batgirl reports, she began to have strange hallucinations.

"(Former Twins pitcher) Rick Reed came to talk to me. He's been doing a lot of spelunking since his retirement, and he was coming up from China. We had a really good conversation. I thought maybe he could save me, but I've learned it's not a good idea to pin your hopes on Rick Reed."

Things grew worse as the day wore on.

"I was starting to get really cold and lose feeling in my head," said Ms. Girl. "I heard this weird creaking noise and I saw a man was lowering himself down. At first I thought it was Miguel Tejada coming to step on my heart. But then I saw that the man was wearing a Twins uniform and when he saw me he smiled the most beautiful smile, and I knew who it was."

"Come on Batgirl," Jones said, "it's time to get you out of that hole."

After the rescue, authorities worked effortlessly to reunite her with the rest of Team Batgirl. After a long search, they found the remaining members enjoying some nice Dream Pie Blizzards at Dairy Queen. When questioned, Girl's sister-in-law Sooz said that all three flavors were quite delicious, but she liked the French Silk one the best.