Mariners at Twins. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Twins 7, Mariners 4.
Saturday. Mariners 8, Twins 3.
Sunday. Twins 8, Mariners 3.

Lew Ford had a career weekend against the Mariners, hitting three homeruns—two of them for three runs. Anyone would think it was the best weekend of his professional career, but after the game Ford was heard to remark, "It was almost as good as when I killed that Carnivorous Giant Worm with my +4 Battleaxe of Ice!"

It's been a long season for Ford, and not just because UPN cancelled Enterprise. ("We never found out who was controlling the Suliban!" complained Lew. "At first I thought it was the Romulans—perhaps led by some descendent of Romulan Tasha Yar—but that sort of interspecies outreach is really against the Romulan's nature. Frankly, I'm bumfuzzled.") His EverQuest guild broke up due to political unrest in the gnome kingdom of Kazah, and he was unceremoniously deposed from his position as president of the Aquaman Fan Club when his five year old boy ran through a meeting shouting "Aquaman's lame!" at the top of his lungs. It was made all the worse when one of the members stood up suddenly, looked around, and said, "My god! He's right! Aquaman is lame!" and left. They really couldn't afford that kind of attrition.

Whether or not Lew took these troubles on the field with him is hard to say—but certainly Lew was not performing up to last season's standards. His occasional brain farts on the base paths did not help to endear him to the Twins' coaching staff, and Gardy was apparently none too pleased when Lew informed him cockily that he had almost as many mitoclorians as Master Yoda.

Some might attribute Lew's resurgence to his starting in center every day, but the truth is much simpler than that. Lew's problem, as he would be happy to tell you, is that during the off-season his wife hid both his Amulet of Keen—which gives the wearer an impressive +4 in intelligence and helps him remember to do thing like tag up, or, when he's on second and a grounder's hit to short, not to try to advance to third, or when his stealing second to keep running instead of stopping halfway in cold panic like young bowl-haircutted Boxey in front of a squadron of Cylons—and his Ring of Power, which gives him several more feet of firepower on his boom boom stick. "It's just, he looked so dumb wearing them," explained Mrs. Ford. "What would all the other Twins wives think? Jacque Jones doesn't wear an Amulet of Keen and he remembers to tag up just fine."

But after watching her husband pop up bunt after bunt, Mrs. Ford relented and produced the precious items from a hollowed out copy of Pride and Prejudice, but not before sighing something about Mr. Darcy never needing a +4 anything.

"Wow," Lew said! "I never would have thought to look in the chick books!"

"You can have these back, Lew," said Mrs. Ford. "If it's going to make you be good again."

"Gee, thanks!" exclaimed Lew. "Do you know what else would really help me be a better baseball player?"

"I'm not wearing the Leia slave outfit, Lew, so don't ask."

"But--"

"No, Lew."

Maybe in the playoffs, Lew.