Texas at Twins. Twins 8, Rangers 6.
After Carlos Silva’s unearned-run-o-rific loss on Monday, the Twins starting pitchers gathered at Café Brenda’s to drown their sorrows in mock duck tacos and several bottles of organic wine. There wasn’t a lot of conversation, really—mostly the pitchers sat slumped in their chairs chugging the wine straight from the bottle, and every once in awhile one of them would start weeping gently.
Finally, Kyle Lohse smashed his wine bottle on the floor and said something that rhymed with, "Truck this bit!" He shook his head and continued, "Truck it! I’m sick of this trucking bit!"
"Yeah," said Radke, throwing his bottle against the wall, where it shattered. "This trucking bucks!"
"Truck. Truck. Truck." muttered Carlos the Jackal, lost deep inside his wine bottle.
"Truck!" said Lohse, standing up and overturning his chair. "You know trucking what? If they're going to trucking buck, why are we working our trucking basses off? Huh?"
"I don't trucking know," slurred the Jackal. "Trucking mufffle fuffle."
"Truck yeah!" said Radke, flipping the table over. "Truck them. If they want to trucking buck, we'll show them! We'll trucking buck too!"
"Mur-FUFFLE!" agreed the Jackal.
"I am trucking down with you homies," said El Presidente, walking over to the nearest female Brenda's diner, dipping her backwards, and planting a long, slow, deep, wet kiss on her lips.
"It's bril-trucking-iant," said Lohse. "We'll trucking buck, and then they'll be trucking sorry. It will trucking show those trucking bassbowls a thing or do. See how they trucking like it.
"Chacarron," mumbled the Jackal.
"Chacarron!" exclaimed Bradke.
"Your ideas are most trucking excellent," said El Presidente, looking up from his kiss, "but, alas, I must inform you that I do not know how to trucking buck. I will, however, support you in your trucking bucking endeavors. Now, if you will excuse me, my brothers, I must make love to this beautiful woman."
So, the Minnesota Twins starting pitchers set out to trucking buck, and trucking buck they did. On Tuesday, after giving up a grand slam in the second inning to David "Please Get Out of Town and Don't Come Back, I'm Begging You" Dellucci, Lohse strode into the dugout and screamed, "Brew you, you trucking basspipes!" at the top of his lungs, then cackled manically and ran for the showers, where he blasted the shower stereo and danced merrily to "Don't Phunk with My Heart."
In the dugout, the players looked confusedly at each other.
"What's with Kyle?" asked Chairman Mauer.
"Don't know," said Fidel Castro. "Well, we better start our inevitable comeback!"
Today, despite his very best efforts, Bradke was not able to give up a grand salami, but still, by the time the second inning was done the Rangers were ahead 5-0, and he felt his work was done. As he walked into the dugout, he spread his arms out magnanimously and proclaimed, "My work here is done, you worthless band of truckweasels!" Then he skipped into the clubhouse where he blasted the shower stereo and dancing merrily to Kelly Clarkson's, "Behind These Hazel Eyes."
In the dugout, the players looked confusedly at each other.
"What's with Brad," asked Li'l-Rod.
"Don't know," said Lew Fordwalker. "But one thing I know, our pitchers need some runs. Come on boys, let's do it for Brad!"
"Offensive juggernaut away!" cried Little Nicky Punto.
Yes, it was a huge deficit, but no deficit is too big for the Minnesota Twins offense. Two four run innings later, and the Minnesota Twins had taken a three run lead—"Three runs is perfect," Li'l Sweetcheeks had explained to Li'l Rod, "We want to give our bullpen some padding, but we also want it to be a save situation for the Veep. He had a rough night last night, and he needs a good outing."
"Great plan!" said Lil Rod, "I'll make it happen!"
After the game, Bradke could be found sitting in on a clubhouse bench staring blankly at a minute piece of dust on the wall. Concerned, Fordwalker trotted up to him.
"Hey, Mr. Radke, why the long face? We won!" He grinned. "Look, I know it wasn't your best outing, but we're here to back you up! That's what we do on this team, we back each other up!" Fordwalker's eyes filled with tears. "It's such a beautiful thing. Next time you're out there, and you're struggling, I just want you to remember, your team's got your back, okay?" And then Lew put a comforting hand on Bradke's shoulders, stared meaningfully into his eyes for a long moment, and then skipped off to join the rest of his team.
As Bradke watched Fordwalker go, Kyle Lohse sat down heavily next to him. They watched their teammates slap each other on the backs in silence, then Lohse muttered, "Wanna go get trashed on organic wine?"
"Truck yeah."