A List Composed During Sunday’s Game
by Batgirl, with some help from Team Batgirl
Twins at Cleveland. Weekend Round-Up.
Don’t ask. Seriously.
1) Batkitty #2 goes through a phase sometimes. I do not want to be specific about the phase, but let’s just say it earns him the nickname Sir Pukes-a-lot. He is an artist that works in kitty vomit, and like the best artist, he is constantly pushing boundaries. He makes an active effort never to puke in the same place twice, so you find kitty vomit where you least expect it. Sometimes, after a long day of blogging, after a nice bubble bath and a fine glass of wine from a box, you crawl into your bed and find that you have lain down directly in a pile of regurgitated Science Diet and kitty bile.
And that was more fun than this,
2) Her senior year of high school, after about a four-year crush, Batgirl worked up the nerve to ask Jamon Heller to the senior prom. She did it right after Fiddler on the Roof rehearsal, in the hallway. Jamon said to Batgirl, “Well, Batgirl, we’re great friends, but shouldn’t prom be something …romantic?”
And that was more fun than this.
3) When Batgirl was in fourth grade she fell off of her bed and hit her head on her Garfield wastebasket. The wastebasket had a big Garfield on the front and on the back had several panels in which Garfield made wry comments about his canine compatriot and his owner, and perhaps also expressed his love for lasagna. The wastebasket was also metal and had come apart at the seam to form a jagged edge. It is this edge that Batgirl’s head collided with, and when she drew her hand to her face, she felt something kind of sticky. So she went into the bathroom and found the entire left side of her face was covered in blood. So she padded down the hallway and knocked on BatMom and Dad’s door. They opened the door to behold their nine-year-old daughter with a face drenched with blood. And Batgirl just asked to be sure, but indeed—
That was more fun than this.
4) In 2003, Goober ran his first Twin Cities Marathon. At mile 10, his knee gave out, but he finished the race because he followed a 300-lb guy wearing an “I’m Running With Jesus” t-shirt and because he carried a homer hanky, as he was going to see the Twins in Game 4 of the ALDS that afternoon and he had faith in the Twins to carry him through. His feet swelled up so badly it killed all of his toenails, and when he took off his shoes after the marathon all his toenails had turned a tarry black. Goober then went to watch the Yankees hand the Twins their buttocks in Game 4, then over the next few weeks his toenails all fell off, one by one.
And that was more fun than this.
5) Once, Batgirl had to get a spinal tap. During the tap, the nurse told Batgirl to curl her toes and it would help with the pain. And the miracle was, it did help, it really did! Batgirl was instructed to lay on her back for a couple of days, otherwise the tap might leak and then she would get horrible headaches and have to go in to get it all patched up—a process in which they take the patient’s own blood and re-inject it into her spine at the spot of the lumbar puncture. Batgirl did get terrible headaches and had to go get the patch procedure on her birthday at a place called “United Center for Pain.”
It was well-named, and it was more fun than this.
6) Her freshman year of college, Batgirl was on vacation with some friends and work up in the middle of the night with an intense pain in her pelvic region. After several minutes in which the pain increased exponentially, Batgirl went to get her friends and they took her to the emergency room. Batgirl was doubled over in pain by this time, scared and weeping. The doctor asked her a few brusque questions then turned to his nurse, stroking his mustache, and proclaimed, “Strap her in for a pelvic.”
And, well, you know...
7) When Jeb was in 6th grade he fell off his bike and badly mangled the fingers on his left hand. In order to reset said badly mangled fingers without causing young Jeb to perish from the pain, the doctor needed to give him Novocain. Now, if you really want to kill all the nervous communication from the elbow down, there’s one real sweet spot for sticking that needle in and that spot is the funny bone. After the doctor inserted the needle, he looked at young Jeb apologetically and said, “I’m going to have to really work this in to make sure the anesthetic gets good coverage,” and started wiggling the needle around in his funny bone.
More fun. Loads.
Readers, help Batgirl add to her list. What else?