Kansas City at Twins. Royals 5, Twins 0.
It was an exhausted group of baseball players that settled into the bunk room at the Metrodome after getting back from Chicago Sunday night. The players barely talked as they brushed their teeth and washed their faces and got into their night time man dresses and sleeping hats.
"Man," said Jacque Jones, crawling into his bed. "I'm so beat. That was some series."
"We scored three runs in three days!" said Matt LeCroy with a tremendous yawn.
"Takes a lot out of you!" said Luis Rivas, stretching sleepily.
"You bet your sweet ass," mumbled Michael Cuddyer. "Good night everyone!"
"Good night!"
And all the players went into their beds, all lined up in a long row, cradled their little stuffed T.C. Bearsthem, and fell asleep. A gentle snoring sound filled the room as chests rose up and down in perfect harmony.
The players, with nothing at all to trouble them, slept hard, and so no one noticed at first when the room filled with an eerie light, nor did anyone stir when the door opened and an extremely large man flew in on a giant potato with the number 14 carved on the side. The man surveyed the sleeping bunch, shook his head, and waved his magic wand.
"WAKE UP!" he shouted. "WAKE UP YOU LOSERS!"
One by one, the Twins sat up in the beds, eyes wide, clutching their TC Bears close to them.
"Who is it?" shouted Bret Abernathy.
"I'm scared!" squeaked Little Nicky Punto.
"Why," said Jacque Jones. "It's Kent Hrbek on his magic potato!"
"Damn skippy," said Hrbek. "I am Kent Hrbek and I am visiting from the Great Beyond."
"Heaven?" gasped Lew Ford.
"No, Bloomington." He held his hands out grandly. "Twins players, I have come because Twins Territory is in grave danger. A great evil threatens to overcome us, and you are the only ones who can stop it. My boys, you must go on a quest. The fate of all of Twins Territory is in your hands.
"A quest?" exclaimed Li'l Rod.
"Sweet!" shouted Lew. "Mordor, here I come!"
"Am I going to get eaten?" asked Little Nicky Punto.
"Probably," said Kent Hrbek. "But that doesn't matter. Some times great struggle requires great sacrifice. My boys, I am giving you a mission. I have come here tonight to ask you to Quest for .500."
As one, every player in the room gasped.
" I know! I know!" said Hrbek. "The journey is going to be long and hard and I don't know if everyone will survive it. You will struggle mightily against great odds and even against the Royals. You will journey into the darkest night of your souls. Also…I'm afraid you're going to have to score some runs."
"What?" exclaimed LeCroy.
"Impossible!" said Rivas.
"Nothing is impossible for a team of professional baseball players."
The players looked at each other blankly.
Hrbek sighed. "Okay, how about…Nothing is impossible when you have Johan Santana. Now, go, my children. You are in a battle for your very souls, or at least your dignity. The way will be dark and cold and there will be much to fear, but if you stick together, you will see the light of day again. Go and score runs and catch the ball and fight against adversity and learn something about yourselves and come out stronger for the journey, secure in the knowledge that you've saved Twins fans from terrible tomrent. You'll be heroes! Are you with me?"
"YEAH!" shouted Jason Bartlett.
"YEAH!" shouted Justin Morneau.
"SI!" shouted Juan Castro.
"Now!" shouted Hrbek, "Let's go out there and kick some Kansas City heinie!"
Full of the fire of hope and passion, the players stormed out onto the field and proceeded to strike out, ground out, and pop out their way to another shut out loss. Afterwards, they filed back into the bunk room and plopped on their beds and snuggled their bears close to them.
"Well, he said the way would be hard," said Joe Mauer.
"He said there would be obstacles," agreed Justin Morneau.
"He said sometimes we would doubt ourselves," nodded Jacque Jones.
"What's important," said Matt LeCroy, "is not that we lost, but that we live on to fight another day."
"That's right!" exclaimed Michael Cuddyer.
"Tomorrow!" cheered Michael Ryan.
"Huzzah!" squealed Jason Tyner.
Just then, Lew Ford came running into the room carrying a sheet of paper. He hopped up on the bed and waved the paper around excitedly.
"Hey, guys!" he shouted.
"What?"
"We did it!" he said, pointing to the paper excitedly.
"We did what?"
"Look!" he said, holding up what appeared to be a box score. "We did it...we made .500!" With a hoot, Lew threw the paper up in the air and yelped, "Take THAT Sauron you one-eyed bastard!"
In the corner of the room, Brad Radke and Johan Santana looked at each other.
"Should we tell him?" whispered Radke.
"Naw," said Johan. "He looks so happy."