A few notes on tonight's hott hott SPRING TRAINING OPENER, starring JOHAN K. SANTANA:
-Bert Blyleven actually referred to the home country of El Presidente and the Jackal as "Venezuela" several times. Really! I shit you not! Who was it that finally sat him down and told him, very gently, he's been mispronouncing the country's name in front of all of Twins Territory all this time? Or did Danny Gladden drink too many Glueck beers one night and let him in on the awful truth? Or one night was he reading something about the WBC and he stared at the name and said, "My god! There's no 'I' in team, and there's no 'I' in Venezuela either!" And while we now have our sportscaster actually pronouncing the name of the home country of several of our players correctly, Batgirl must ask—what have we lost?
Lordy, next he'll start using adverbs correctly.
-Batgirl shall be referring to Tony Batista as Tony Fatista for the time being. Not because it's funny to make fun of fat people, because it isn't. But because after management gives you a huge chance signing you after you've been released by your Japanese team you don't show up 15 pounds overweight for spring training on Batgirl's team. She might stop calling him Fatista when he takes off the weight. Maybe. Tony, Tony, Tony, BG has no idea how you fielded those balls at third around your giant beer belly, but honeyballs, God wants you to get in shape. He told me so.
-Dear Coco Crisp—thank you for leaving the Indians. Appreciate it! Love, Batgirl
-Joe Vavra looks like he needs Visine.
- And finally—believe it or not, we had three real live actual A#1 homeruns in the game, including a monster first pitcher by Sweetcheeks (welcome back, honeypie) and one by BATGIRL'S BOYFRIEND, already matching last year's regular season team home run total. There's nowhere to go but up!
-TWINS WIN!