Twins at Toronto. Blue Jays 6, Twins 3.

The first thing you need to know is that Batgirl has a cold. Or the flu. One of those things that you don't want to have. The second thing you need to know is that it's all Jeb's fault. For he went on an airplane recently and "forgot" to wear the SARS mask Batgirl for got him, despite the fact that she and the Batkitties decorated it with glitter, and while Batkitty #3 is not strong with the glitter and may have gotten parts of herself stuck to the SARS mask, it's the thought that counts. The point is, Jeb has been traveling a good deal this year and every other time he gets off a plane he brings with him some sort of bubonic plague or another. You would think they would stop letting the plague-infested oozing-pustule rats on the planes, but Northwest has had to make a lot of budget cuts lately and somebody's got to make those $6 snack boxes. But somebody wanted to be a macho macho duck, somebody thinks SARS is totally three years ago, somebody thinks glitter doesn’t go with his khakis. Glitter, my dear husband, goes with everything.

In other words, there may have been a baseball game played tonight, though Batgirl cannot be sure. And the Jackal and Boo Rincon may have turned the sixth inning into a rousing game of CPC&T (that's Crazy Pepe's Chug and Toss, for those of you unfamiliar with the storied history of Caracas street fairs), but that could just be the Theraflu talking. Do you know that if you actually take the recommended dose of Cold-Eeze tablets in one day, your mouth turns into ass? It's true! In fact, while the Cold-Eeze did nothing at all to reduce the duration of Batgirl's cold, it did certainly increase the duration of her ass-mouth. In other words, much like Retin-A started as an acne medicine and became an anti-wrinklefier, the FDA is about to approve Cold-Eeze to promote ass-mouth. The point is, we may have lost tonight, and stranded a few runners and beaned some people and walked someone with the bases juiced but you cannot blame the Twins, for surely they were distracted by Batgirl's plight. How can you focus on baseball when Batgirl is suffering? How can there be music and laughter and children and moving Shannon Stewart over to third when he's on second with no outs and a three run deficit? I ask you. I ask you.

p.s. Want to see what Batgirl's like heavily medicated? Come see her close personal friend at the Red Balloon in St. Paul at 2pm on Saturday. It will be Dayquilrific!