During the first couple innings of the home opener yesterday, Team Batgirl thought a lot about whether they have been too harsh about ass bats. After all, the "bass ats," as some jauntily call them, have been with us for a long time. So maybe Team Batgirl should stop being so whiny and, you know, focus on the positive. I mean, this could be a long-term relationship. So instead of carping, why not think about the the fact that ass bats, since they're infrequently used for hitting, can be hollowed out like ye olde pirate telescope and used to steal signs from the opposing dugout all while making totally fun pirate noises. Or the fact that, since ass bats are more, er, flacid than the typical bat, they can be tied around the neck in a pinch and used as a totally phat Oscar Wilde-style floppy necktie. But ever since T-Fat went yard yesterday, we've stopped pretending to be all Stockholm Syndromey about the ass bats. Instead, we're singing Fifty Ways to Leave Your Ass Bat: So leave it on the floor, Tor; drop it on the mat, T-Fat; give it a throw, Joe; just let the thing go. Tell it you're through, Stew; drop it in the well, Rondell; make it find a new buddy, Cuddy; just give it a throw.

Batgirl's on vacation. Therefore, Goober has been under a great deal of pressure as the Acting BODSHC. Sooz has been lobbying for a stricter interpretation of the "boyfriends first" policy, while Goober himself feels a slight tug toward giving Justin a long-overdue nod. But something strange happened during the game today. As what's left of Team Batgirl enjoyed the game from the spacious Batquarters in the Kemps milk carton in right field, Goober noticed Batbaby staring off toward center. Now she's just beginning to see more than a few feet in front of her, so it's quite remarkable when she focuses on something. But there she was, with her eyes cast in the general direction of Mr. T. Sweetcheeks Hunter, watching all goo-goo eyes as he hit a home run, had two hits, and scored three runs. And isn't that just enough to make a Batbaby's heart flutter. So call us crazy, but somebody just declared her first boyfriend. And while Goober might ordinarily be thinking of ways to beat the living crap out of Batbaby's first boyfriend, in this instance, that boyfriend is not just a boyfriend: He's the Boyfriend of the Day.

Batbaby 2; The Field 1; All Others 0.