Baltimore at Twins. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Twins 7, O's 5. (12 innings).
Saturday. O's 9, Twins 7.
Sunday. Twins 4, O's Goose Egg.

It's Tonys night and Batgirl is sure all the Minnesota Twins are huddled around Torii Hunter's big screen TV eating Kyle Lohse's meat pies and arguing over their own picks. Little Nicky Punto likes the intoxicating twenties flair of The Drowsy Chaperone while Michael Cuddyer prefers the toe-tapping charms of Jersey Boys, while Juan Rincon sits sulkily in a corner stroking his Pretty Woman DVD and muttering, "Julia was robbed."

In that spirit, Batgirl has decided to award THE FIRST ANNUAL BATTY AWARDS, based on this weekend of baseball. Awards lean heavily toward Sunday because now that BG's 33 26, she can't remember so far back.

And now, without further ado: The 2006 Battys!

Best Use of a Boom-Boom Stick in a Victory: Dr. Justin Morneau for Friday's 12th inning homer allowing BG to go to bed. Also nominated, Dr. Justin Morneau and Dr. Justin Morneau.

Best Totally Fruitless Use of a Boom-Boom Stick: Michael Cuddyer, hitting his second grand slam of the week in a losing performance on Saturday.

Best 'Nam Flashback: T-Fat, who dodged much broken bat shrapnel to field a grounder today. Also to T-Fat: Best Know Your Limits, for stretching to the very outer limits of his postage stamp range to miss a Miggy double down the third base line by only two or three feet. Keep reaching for your dreams T-Fat!

Best Performance by a Blind Man: I'm sorry, home plate ump Ed Rapuano, but if Joe Mauer says it’s a ball, it's a ball. When the Chairman strikes out after getting to 3-0 with the bases loaded, you can pretty much guess you did something wrong.

Best Revival: Torii Hunter and Michael Cuddyer for popping up and GIDP respectively after the Twins loaded the bases in the first inning on Saturday, in a stunning rendition of last year's smash hit The Bases Are Loaded But Nobody's Home.

Best Tease: Francisco Liriano for walking Brian Roberts to lead-off the game, making them think they might not make asses of themselves the rest of the game. Psych!

Best Mime: Ron Gardenhire, illustrating for Ed Rapuano the intricacies of a foul tip with commitment, passion, and precision. Next up for Gardenhire—Man in shrinking box.

Best Payback: Little Nicky Punto showing Rapuano a real foul tip--in his face. Squeaked Punto, "That's for Cuddy, you bastard!"

Best Payback 2: You see, Carlos, you make the team wear pixie vests, you're going to blow. Let that be a warning to you.

Best Reason to Hide LNP in a Toybox:

Best Reappearance of a Missing Man: The Nathanest of Joes, reemerging from the mists of time to pitch in two games this weekend. Please don't leave us again, Joe.

Best Bad Day: Joe Mauer, going 1 for 4 on Sunday. Get it together, Chairman. Jesus.

Best Everything: Francisco "the Kid" Liriano. 7 innings, one hit, six K's, and one fabulous future.

Posted by Batgirl at June 11, 2006 10:32 PM