LA Dodgers at Twins. Twins 8, Dodgers 2.
BatMom called during the eighth inning of tonight's game, sometime after the Twins scored their eighth run, to ask, "Batgirl, why are the Twins so good now?"
"I don't know," Batgirl said.
"Because they were so bad before," she continued. "I mean they were really really bad."
"I know," said Batgirl.
"And now they're good. Really really good."
"I know," said Batgirl.
"And that Joe Mauer!," she said, pausing to toke up on some catnip. "He really can hit!"
"Yes."
"But he could hit before! And we sucked!"
You'll have to excuse BatMom, she gets a little saucy on catnip. But the point remains—the same conversation is happening between moms and daughters all over Twins territory, and I don't know if any of them have come to satisfactory resolutions. Theories abound, of course—from the resurgence of the pitching staff to the Revenge of the Red Wings to the majestical miraculous medical ministrations of Dr. Morneau—but Batgirl has a different theory:
We are winning because Joe Morgan is a giant boob.
Hear me out, here. Obviously no one can predict what the baseball gods will do and we must not try to comprehend their ways, for it is blasphemous for our puny little minds to even attempt to understand them. They are divine, unfathomable, impenetrable, and we are but their bitch monkeys.
But sometimes, it's all too obvious.
BG and Jeb watched the ESPN broadcast of the Red Sox game two weeks ago and, of course, the whole thing made Batgirl want to tear out her soul and shred it to bits. The Batbaby can provide better commentary just by pooping. Among the things we learned from Mr. Morgan:
1) He totally knew releasing David Ortiz was a big mistake and Ortiz was going to be as good as he was. (Never mind that no one actually released him.) He could just tell by watching him in batting practice that he was going to be amazing. TR made a huge mistake and everyone knew it at the time; just because TR tried to trade him and no one else wanted him doesn't mean other GMs didn't realize Ortiz's potential, too—they just didn't want to give anyone up for him.
2) The Twins called up Jason Bartlett from Triple A because they really liked his speed. Now, this may be true, but it's sort of like saying the Revolutionary War started because some Bostonians spilled their tea.
3) And finally: there are three teams in contention in the AL Central—El Tigres, the Bitch Sox, and Cleveland. Sure, it would be a long road for Cleveland to climb, but they could still do it. Now, the Twins, you see, the Twins are out of it, because it's not unimaginable to pass two teams, but three? Inconceivable! Never mind that the Twins were one half game back at the time and could have passed them (and probably did) the next #$?&@! day. No, Cleveland's--totally in this thing. The Twins? Totally out of it.
And that's what did it.
Holy crap, did you hear that? asked baseball god #1.
I told you to put that guy on mute said #2.
That's the stupidest #$%$#%^ thing I've ever heard, said #1.
Well what do you expect? asked #2.
It's like he's never actually watched baseball! protested #1.
It's like he has crap for a brain agreed #2
Well, let's show this assweed.
The Twins have won all but one game since then, and have gained absolutely no ground in the division. They have, however, completed the absolutely miraculous task of vaulting a whole half game over Cleveland and are now 6.5 games on top of them. It's all very pleasurable for those of us who get to watch—or it will be until the end of the year when the Twins accept their wild card berth and Joe Morgan smiles his ass smile and says, "I knew they could do it."