Twins at Texas. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Rangers 9, Twins 4.
Saturday. Twins 4, Rangers 0.
Sunday. Rangers 5, Twins 2.
Batgirl and Jeb went to see Superman Returns on Saturday, and I do not think it will spoil anything to say there is some kryptonite used in the course of the moving picture. Kryptonite is basically a chunk of Superman's home world that landed on Earth after the planet went all Alderaan and it's super deadly to Superman. (Can anyone shed any light on how this is? Because having your own world be toxic to you seems like particularly bad planning to BG. Unless it's like that old Todd Haynes/Julianne Moore movie where she ends up dressed all in white surgical clothes living in some bubble in Arkansas or Arizona or, you know, France. But that doesn't seem quite right.)
Anyway, the Kryptonite is all part of Lex Luthor's diabolical plan to—well, BG's still not so sure but basically the aftereffects look a lot like the ones of global warming in Al Gore's PowerPoint presentation. "Superman will never let you [DO WHATEVER IT IS THAT YOUR EVIL PLAN IS]," says Lois Lane. "But he's not counting on this!" says Lex Luthor, pulling out a tube of the green stuff. "Where did you get that, you bald-headed bitch monkey?" demands Lois. "Don't worry your pretty little head about that," says Luthor. "Don't patronize me!" says Lois. "Patronize this!" says Luthor.
It went something like that, anyway. The point is, there's Kryptonite, Lex Luthor's a bastard, and Kate Bosworth doesn't make a very good Lois Lane but any movie that has Parker Posey in it is okay with Batgirl. And eventually, as happens, Superman stumbles upon Luthor and said diabolical plan and pretty soon our guy is on the wrong end of a Kryptonite popsicle stick. This is when things start to look pretty bad for the Man of Steel and he begins to roll around and around and Luthor's thugs start kicking the crap out of him. And it's horrible to watch, truly painful, because—that's Superman! Faster than a speeding bullet! More powerful than a locomotive! He fights for truth and justice and he's a huge superhero and you're not supposed to kick him.
Well, I think you know where I'm going with this. Watching Superman get beat-up by a bunch of deadbeats is roughly how it feels to watch Johan Santana give up two home runs in one game. That's just not supposed to happen. And even if someone did lash a bunch of Kryptonite to him (Um….exploded Venezuelan rock?) you should, Mr. Texas Ranger, have a little more respect.
The thing about Superman stories, though, is that truth and justice always prevails (unless it's Superman 3 or 4, in which case crap prevails) and you know eventually the guy's going to be okay and the dudes that kicked him are going to be extremely sorry, and if Superman doesn't get you, will, and so we must comfort ourselves that somehow, someway these guys will get theirs, and either end up encased in the earth or orbiting the planet forever trapped in a big piece of space plexiglass.
(And if you have no idea what BG's talking about, get thee to a video store, for god's sakes, and while you're at it, rent The Karate Kid, because you all are making Batgirl feel very, very old.)
And as painful as it is to watch, we've seen this story enough to know we just have to bide our time until Superman returns.
BatNote: A long All-Star break ahead of us. May BG suggest you pass it by playing Kurtis' Lew Ford's Astral Battles! and also taking NYBrian's Which Twins Pitcher Are You Quiz?