FROM AP:

MINNEAPOLIS, MN-When they announced the Rawlings Gold Glove Award winners yesterday, at least one player was not surprised.

"They give this damned thing to me every year," said Jim Kaat.

Kaat, who this year won for the 32nd time, says he's started to bury the awards in his backyard.

"I used to try to give 'em away," he said, "but then I ran out of people to give them to. Charities didn't want 'em anymore. During the 90's I tried melting them down, but it turns out they're made out of some alloy and soylent green, so that didn't really work."

The Gold Glove Award, voted on by managers and coaches, has occasionally garnered criticism for being more about reputation than actual performance. But that's ridiculous, said one manager. "These guys are winning every year because they're the best. You can't fault consistency. I don't even have to watch them play anymore, I can just close my eyes and I know what they're going to do."

In Kaat's case, managers praised his uncanny skill with the glove. "I know he's been retired for a long time," said another manager, "but he still possesses this cat-like quickness with the ball. Why, I remember this one play he made in the 70's, when Nixon had just resigned, I've never seen anything like it..."

"Without him playing anymore, of course, we can't judge by his actual fielding performance, but it's the intangibles that really put him over the others," agreed another. "Anyway, I wouldn't have any idea who else to vote for."

Still, some people have grumbled that Kaat, who retired from the game in 1983, should no longer be eligible for the award. Most notably Kaat himself.

"Please," he said, "please. Stop giving it to me. What do I have to do?"

Thanks to Al for the inspiration for this entry.