From the AP:JERUSALEM, SUNDAY NOVEMBER 26
In a shocking move, the Great God Jehovah issued a press release announcing his intention to destroy humanity in a great flood after last week's upset in the AL MVP race. New York Yankee Derek Jeter was expected to be the winner, as much for a lifetime achievement award as his performance this year, but was upset in a narrow vote by Canadian Mountie Justin Morneau.
"For I am a vengeful God," said God, also known as Y----h, "and this just blows."
"It is clearly an anti-Yankee bias," continued God. When asked how that could be when Jeter's teammate, Mr. Alex Rodriguez, won the award the previous year God said, "Yes, but no one likes him."
"I mean, Derek Jeter won a Gold Glove. And if any award is an objective measure of someone's worth, it's the Gold Glove."
Some outside of ESPN and God have commented that Mr. Jeter was one of several good candidates for the award this year, and Mr. Jeter's narrow loss is not the total outrage it might seem. Those people have been smited.
God, who would not give his age, last flooded the world on Saturday, November 6, in the year 2343 BC, after disgust with what mankind had become after the fall of Eden. Humanity only survived because God told one virtuous man, Noah, and his wife to build an ark. When asked whether he might pick one lucky survivor this time, God nodded.
"I think we all know who that will be," he said with a wink. "And he's dating Jessica Biel, so the third age of humanity is going to be muy hot."
During the Great Deluge, God promised Noah he would never flood the world again. When questioned, God said, "Yes, but I didn't expect something like this to happen."
When given a copy of the press release, a spokesman for humanity said, "Oh, shit."