(This entry posted by Twins Geek.)

Following the National Anthem, Carlos Silva was checking the condition of the pitchers’ mound, because Carlos likes things just the way he likes them, OK? Being rather focused on the slope of the mound, he didn’t notice that behind him, a tall brooding figure had arrived. Beside him stood a shorter Japanese man, carrying a pair of coconuts, strangely enough.

“Old woman!” the figure bellowed.

“Man!” Silva replied, turning.

“Man, yes, sorry. Old Man, should we begin this fair contest?”

“I’m 28.”

“Sorry?”

“I’m 28. I’m not old,” scolded Silva.

“Well, that’s old for me”, said the baby-faced figure. “And it’s not like I could just say ‘Hey man!’”

“Well, you could have called me ‘Carlos.’”

“I didn’t know you were called Carlos.”

“What I object to is that you automatically treat me as an inferior,” complained Silva.

“Well, I AM King Felix,” replied the cocky youngster.

“Oh, very nice. King, eh? I expect you have an enormous signing bonus and a long-term contract,” spat Silva. “And how d’you get that? By emasculating a bunch of minor leaguers! By participating in this monopolistic serf system which exploits the rank-and-file, rewarding you for your fascist strikeouts.”

A group of other Twins approach the mound, wondering why Carlos hasn’t made his way to the dugout yet.

“What’s going on out here?” asked Luis Castillo.

“The tall guy says he’s king,” explained Silva.

“I didn’t know we had a king. I thought we were a unionized collective…” puzzled Jason Tyner.

“You’re fooling yourself,” snorted Carlos. “We’re living in an oligopoly. A government supported monopoly where the fat-cat owners misrepresent their financial statements….”

“Please, my fair opponents. Can you all get off my pitching mound?”

“Oooohhh. Now it’s HIS pitching mound,” said Silva.

“So much for making the visitors feel at home,” grumbled Joe Mauer.

“It’s not that, it’s just that the fans are getting antsy, so if you could just quit talking.…” stammered King Felix.

“With the money they spent on this stadium you would think they could’ve afforded a mound we could share,” mumbled Carlos.

“I don’t think that even makes sense,” admonished Felix, “and I’d appreciate it if you would be quiet!”

“Especially for the prices you pay here for a decent tuna roll…”

“I said BE QUIET. I order you to shut up!”

Luis snorted as he made his way to the batter’s box. “Order, eh -- who does he think he is?”

“I’m King Felix!”

“Well, I didn’t vote for you,” retorted Luis.

“You don’t vote for King!”

“Well, how did you become king, then?”

Felix stood tall, gazing upwards. “Fox Sports, amidst their steroidally developed robot graphics and swooshy sound effects, profiled my career as a 20-year-old phenom, signifying by divine providence that I, Felix, should be king.”

“Bah,” chortled Luis as he singled to center field. “An entertainment empire, masquerading as a neutral journalistic observer, has no authority to establish that kind of hierarchy. A system of economics is designated by a carefully constructed collective bargaining agreement, not by some dead-air-filling fluff piece.”

“Be QUIET!”

“You can’t expect to wield supreme executive power just because Joe Buck looked at you all doughy-eyed” added Jason Tyner, singling to right field.

“Shut UP!” screamed Felix as he sailed a ball to the backstop. “Would you please just shut up!?!”

Cuddyer chimed in as he drove in the first run. “Well, c’mon. If I went around saying I was an Emperor just because a co-worker of Bill O’Reilly got a little excited about me, people would put me away!”

“I’m outta here,” fumed Felix, leaving the mound for the relative silence of the dugout.

“What’s eating him?” queried Justin Morneau.

“You know those royal types,” replied Joe.

Twins Geek is the editor of GameDay baseball program (sold by the guys in the red vests around the Metrodome) and blogs pretty much daily at TwinsGeek.com. His best wishes go out to Felix Hernandez and to the Mariners fan base on news of King Felix’s elbow tightness. He hopes to see the young phenom mowing down other batches of unruly peasants soon.