This entry written by Donnalove, who notes Helen Fielding's son is named Dashiell

Royals 4, Twins 3

Sidney Ponson’s Diary

Wednesday, 25 April. Weight: 245 (lost 5 lb in sweat) ERA: 8.44 (going down, v.g.) Alcohol Units: 1 (hair of dog)

LIFE. IS. NOT. FAIR. Is just not fair! First off, am pitching on Wednesday night, missing Dollar Dogs (am allowed to get more than 2 at concession stand! Perk of being maj. league pitcher!) and America’s Next Top Model! Will not know if the one that looks like drag queen gets kicked off until get home from bar! And the game! Am pitching against K.C. Royals, and give up v. respectable 4 runs (right up there with other Twins pitchers of late.) Not own fault that David DeJesus so sexy that can not pitch well. But rest of team also playing against Royals and do not get hits! Feel very alone just now, though suppose if Twins can not get runs off Cy Young winner/Dreamboat J. Santana, don’t feel quite so bad. Could use hug. However, feel quite certain that if was pitching for Royals, would have had 2 wins against Twins, but instead have 2 losses. Ass is expanding at rate so alarming, wondering if should inform government. Ass is so large that is like 10th fielder, knocking down balls. Fortunately, ass assisted in getting out. Would have been awful if ass had led to, say, grand slam. But! Why do teammates (with exception of wanton sex god T. Hunter) insist on making K.C. pitchers look like... like... major league baseball players? Should not be that way. So depressed. Do not want to end up washed-up pitcher who will die alone, eaten by C.C. Sabathia. Was surprised when asked to come out and pitch 6th inning. Was about to take belt of scotch from emergency dugout flask when was told to go out on field. Still took belt. Got through inning quickly so could get back to scotch. Tasted good, like victory (victory of inning without runs, incl. v.g. strikeout.) Maybe have bought self another start? Won’t cross fingers, as might mess up split finger grip. Will cross toes instead.