Twins at Detroit. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Twins 5, Tigers 3.
Saturday. Twins 11, Tigers 3.
Sunday. Tigers 4, Twins 3.
On any given day, you can find Mike Redmond running errands for his household. "No Father-Knows-Best strict patriarchical separate-spheres angel-of-the-hearth share-the-load-spoil-the-wifey just-because-I-have-a-ding-dong-means-I-don't-pull-my-own-weight-'round-here for Mikey R," he said cheerfully as he went off this weekend, his ding dong flapping in the breeze. "I'm one of them modern day sensitive husbands, and, gol darnit, I'm going to do some grocery shopping."
"Are you sure?" asked Mrs. Redmond, chewing on her lip.
"Of course I'm sure," sayed NBP.
"Because I thought maybe Joe could do it," she said carefully. "Or that nice Jason Kubel. Or even Tyner…"
"Don't be ridiculous. Tyner's a pansy. Well, toodle-oo!"
And before Mrs. NBP could protest, he'd hopped into his Jetta and was off into the bright expanse of the day.
He got out of the car in the parking lot thinking to himself that he was the happiest back-up catcher in all the land and he barely noticed the runaway shopping cart as it barreled toward him—until it slammed into his knees. He started but as passersby turned in concern he waved his hand and said, "I'm all right!"
He then pranced into Rainbow Foods, singing, "Low low prices on the good stuff," when he thought he heard someone call his name. Just as he stopped, the automatic door, which was sorely in need of a maintenance check, malfunctioned and closed into him. Someone in the lobby shrieked, but after wincing slightly, Redmond straightened and shouted, "Everything's fine!" then got himself a shopping cart and headed to the produce aisle.
The driver of the hand truck filled with cantalopes had had a lot to drink the night before, and, frankly, his depth perception was not that good, so even though he tried to avoid the naked man in front of him, the wheel of the truck rolled just over his right foot. "Ouch!" grunted Redmond, then he quickly gathered himself and smiled to the crowd and proceeded to pick out some nice tomatoes. So focused was he on the age-old vegetable-or-fruit question that he did not notice the four-hundred-pound man—who, just off of practice from Fatty McFatty's Baseball League and Pig Eating Club and Macrame Guild, did not have time to change out of his spikes—until one of those spikes landed on his left foot.
"Mother FLIPPER!" said Redmond, then muttered to himself, "Shake it off." And with that, he limped toward the leeks.
Just then, Joe Mauer appeared behind him. "Hey, Red Dog, you hurt?"
"No, I—"
"Are you sure? I was supposed to have the day off, but if you're hurt, I can shop for you…"
"No, man, I can do this."
And with that, Redmond smiled and headed for the cereal aisle.
Now, clerks at Rainbow Foods are given strict instructions on how to stack soup cans, and employees must undergo rigorous training before they are even allowed near a Campbell's endcap. But one thing lead to another and someone was out sick and an overeager intern got a great idea for a cross-promotional event with TexaTonka Bowling Lanes, and, not trained in the laws of physics, stacked bowling balls on top of soup cans for a "Bowling is Soup-er!" display. Well, naturally, he put the crowning bowling ball on just as Redmond turned the corner, and the next thing you know the whole thing fell down on top of him.
"Jesus Christ in a Christmas Tree!" screamed Redmond. "That FLIPPING hurt."
No one knows how the stray elephant got into Rainbow Foods that day, nor why its trainer gave it such a fondness for kicking people in the testicles, but let's just say next thing you know Redmond was writhing on the floor screeching and cursing the elephant in a way he'd never forget, even if he weren't an elephant.
Just then, Gardy shook his head and came out of the dugout. "Red Dog, I'm gonna take you out," he said, grabbing the shopping list.
"Naw, Skip," he squeaked, "I'm fine!"
"Hey, heads-up!" shouted Michael Cuddyer from across the store. And before Redmond could react Cuddy threw a perfect strike to him. Redmond caught the ball and then turned to see Magglio Ordonez barreling down the aisle toward him. And, as Redmond braced himself for impact, he was heard to murmur. "Why does this always happen to me?"