This entry posted by Twayn, who believes that with this kind of manic episode Librium might be a more effective management tool than Prozac.
Chicago at Minnesota. White Sox 4, Twins 7.
The team was gathered in the locker room before the game, talking, joking, playing cards, lacing shoes and adjusting socks and pant legs, when Gardy strode briskly in followed closely by Richard Dreyfuss.
“Okay, listen here,” said Gardy. “We’ve tried consultants and we’ve tried pep talks and none of that’s worked. So now we’re going to try something different. This is Dr. Leo Marvin. He’s a distinguished psychiatrist and author of the book Baby Steps. He’s going to help us get out of this funk that’s been dragging everyone down lately, because it turns out you can battle your tails too off sometimes.”
“Uh, Skip?” asked Mike Redmond. “Isn’t that Richard Dreyfuss?”
“No, of course not,” said Gardy. “He just looks like Richard Dreyfuss because that’s who played him in the movie.”
“Really?” asked Justin Morneau. “He sure looks like Richard Dreyfuss. And Dr. Leo Marvin was a character in that movie that had Richard Dreyfuss and Bill Murray in it.”
“Look, smarty MVP pants,” said Gardenhire. “You’re messing around with my narrative structure here. And you haven’t been hitting so hot lately, either. So if you don’t mind… this is Dr. Leo Marvin, and he cost Smilin' Carl a pretty penny to bring in from his vacation home on Lake Wishwecouldwinone to treat the whole team. So listen up, even if this whole post does seem redundant and derivative.”
“Thank you, Mister Gardenhire,” said Richard Dreyfuss with a satisfied, slightly superior smirk. “Like a Zen riddle, the answer to ending a slump is so obvious that it becomes invisible to the senses and must be grasped by intuition; it is, in the very essence of the phrase, hiding in plain sight. The key to ending a slump, which is really just a very large amorphous amalgamation of sucking, is to think small. The key to ending a slump is to take baby steps.”
“Check me if I’m wrong, Doc,” said Jason Bartlett. “But if we take baby steps it’s really going to cut down on our range and our speed on the bases.”
“No, no,” said Richard Dreyfuss with his smuggest smile. “When I say take baby steps, I don’t mean literal baby steps, I mean figurative baby steps. It’s a metaphor, an analogy. It means you have to concentrate on the little things, the very basic elements of the game. Throwing. Catching. Hitting. Baby step to a full count. Baby step to a base hit. Baby step to a two-out RBI double.”
Jason Bartlett nodded with a knowing look on his face, wondering when Lew Ford would return to explain metaphor and analogy to him.
“BOOF!” yelled Gardy as the freshly groomed Bonser prepared to insert iPod earphones into his auditory canals for a pre-game groove. “Pay attention. You need to baby step your way to a lower ERA and a lot fewer walks.”
“Hey!” exclaimed Boof, looking up and paying attention for the first time since Gardy entered the room. “It’s Richard Dreyfuss!”
“No, it’s not!” said Gardy. “We’ve been over this. This is Dr. Leo Marvin and….
“Hey, Dr. Marvin,” interrupted Nick Punto. “ You ever hear of Tourette’s Syndrome?”
“It’s exceptionally rare,” said Richard Dreyfuss.
“Barfbag! Snotface! Bitch Sox!” Nick Punto suddenly yelled at the top of his voice. Everyone stopped and stared in his direction.
“Why exactly are you doing this?” Richard Dreyfuss asked Nicky.
“Well,” explained Punto. “If I can fake it, then I don’t have it.”
“Okay,” said Gardy, a bit flustered by the picayune third baseman’s verbal outburst. “Let’s hit the field and remember, take baby steps.”
As the team left the locker room, Justin Morneau hesitated for a moment at his locker, then approached the manager.
“Hey, Skip,” he said on his way to the door. “I think that is Richard Dreyfuss, and to prove it I’m going to hit an extra-innings walk-off upper-deck three-run home run tonight.”
“Well,” said Gardy with a little smile. “Maybe you should try hitting a solo shot first. Because that’s how baby steps work.”
“Sure thing, Gardy,” said Justin. “We’ll baby step the hell out of them tonight.”