10) Sick of own mother shouting, "BOOTY CALL" every time she sees Morneau.
9) Avenging history of Canadian aggression against home nation of Fatassia.
8) Aim off due to finger blister from spending two hours voting for Jordin Sparks after American Idol previous night.
7) Morneau didn't invite him to tenth bday party; had to stay home and "play with his Han Solo."
6) Temporarily taken over by spirit of crazed, obese lefty.
5) Brad Radke's mom called him a pussy.
4) Up all night: Sex in the City Marathon on TBS!
3) Ass rash.
2) Enraged over Michiko Kakutani's hatchet job on latest Don DeLillo's new book; feels it's his most astute novel since White Noise.
1) He's a dick.