This entry posted by Twayn, on assignment for Bat-girl.com
Here’s the thing – it is cold in Minnesota right now. And it’s going to get colder before it gets warmer. Brass monkey cold. Cast iron bra cold. Teeth-grinding, nose-burning, butt-clenching cold. And the off-season is so very, very long when it is so very, very cold and bleak outside. You know what would feel good right now? Heat would feel good. Hotness would be very good. And what Twins fan can think of hotness without thinking Johan Santana? Well, not Batgirl. Not my wife. Not the population of Venezuela, where right now, according to my public school education, it is actually summertime, and the living is easy, fish are jumping, and the cotton is high. And it’s hot. Really hot. So damn hot that you want to reach out and grab a bottle of something cold. Something sparkling. Something refreshing. Something like… Malta Regional!
Yes, commercials featuring Johan Santana are hot, even when they are in Spanish. Or maybe especially when they are in Spanish. You know what would be even hotter? A commercial featuring Johan Santana and Justin Morneau. And you won’t have to wait long for it. Here’s an excerpt from the New York Times that elucidates:
At 8:45 a.m. yesterday, Mets shortstop Jose Reyes sat shivering on a sidewalk in Greenwich Village. Next to him was Twins starting pitcher Johan Santana, who was grilling a hamburger. It was about 20 degrees outside, and the wind chill made it seem like the low teens. So what were Reyes and Santana doing there?
Along with five other players — Minnesota’s Justin Morneau, Detroit’s Justin Verlander, Boston’s Jonathan Papelbon, St. Louis’s David Eckstein and the Yankees’ Robinson Canó — they were filming a commercial for new baseball caps under the direction of Spike Lee. The hats, manufactured by New Era, are designed to absorb sweat more efficiently, and they have a new black underside to the bill intended to reduce glare. Over and over, from 7 a.m. till noon, the players filmed the ad with 10-minute breaks from the cold.
“I got an idea about how to stay warm,” said Morneau, the 2006 American League most valuable player, as he shuffled between the street and a dressing room at the back of the store. “I could find all the White Sox hats and light them on fire.”
Mercy sakes, so much hotness all in one place. You know what else is hot? Two Cy Young awards in three years, which should have been three Cy Young awards in three years, but who’s counting besides you and me? And you know who loves Cy Young awards? The Venezuelan National Assembly, that’s who. They think two-time Cy Young winners from Tovar Merida are hot, hot, hot. Take a look.
Okay, the heat index is getting up there now. Oh! Oh! I just thought of something else that’s hot. Major League baseball players with their own websites. Especially big, rugged, Canadian major league baseball players with curly blonde hair and bulging biceps and a fetching smile and a Most Valuable Player award. Check it out. And look at the links page for a horribly glaring omission that we must all work diligently to rectify.
Of course, no post about the Twins and hotness would be complete without the catcher with the hottest sideburns and in baseball. And while Chairman Mauer doesn’t have his own website that Google and I know of, he does have fans that are legion, including this little guy who recently got the bestest birthday present of his young life.
And I just thought of something else that will be hot. In just a couple of months, when the Twins open the 2007 season, all of us once again get to be just as excited as Evan.
Patience is a virtue, they say, but it’s hard to come by when it’s ten below.