This entry posted by Twayn, with help from Richard and Oscar.
With spring training wrapping up this weekend, word came down from upon high yesterday that Carlos Silva will indeed begin the season in the starting rotation. And suddenly the hills were alive with the sound of spin-doctoring. Fans were aghast, fearful that come September Silva's losses will number sixteen going on seventeen, when winning division championships and making the playoffs (and whiskers on bat-kittens, of course) are a few of our favorite things. The clamorous reaction of Twins Territory just goes to prove that even the best public relations spin can't drown out the rising chorus of indignant Twins fans...
(Sung to the tune of How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria)
They hit the ball, we watch it fall,
His sinker isn’t there.
He waltzes in from off the mound
And seems without a care.
Why can’t it just be simple?
Why must it be unfair?
His E-R-A and waistline are so flabby.
He's sorry about the sucking
And his penitence is real.
He's sorry about everything
Except for every meal.
I hate to have to say it
But I very firmly feel,
Silva's starts are going to make me crabby.
I'd like to say a word in his defense –
But Silva - makes me - tense.
How do you solve a problem like our Silva?
How do you fix a guy who’s lost his stuff?
How do you find a word that defines Silva?
A flibbertijibbet! A bit-of-a-flake! Enough!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him.
Many a thing he ought to understand.
But how do you make him see
The lunch he eats never is free.
How do you keep him when he should be canned?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Silva?
How much more of Silva can we stand?
When I watch him I'm confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never know exactly where I am.
Unpredictable as weather
He's as flighty as a feather.
He's a creampuff! He’s a headcase! He's a sham!
He outstinks a stinking skunk
Gives up homers with his junk
He can pitch almost as well as any girl.
He is useless! He is wild!
He's a riddle! He's a child!
He's a headache! He's a trainwreck!
I could hurl!
How do you solve a problem like our Silva?
How do you fix a guy who’s lost his stuff?
How do you find a word that defines Silva?
A flibbertijibbet! A bit-of-a-flake! Enough!
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell him.
Many a thing he ought to understand.
But how do you make him see
The lunch he eats never is free.
How do you keep him when he should be canned?
Oh, how do you solve a problem like our Silva?
How much more of Silva can we stand?