Twins at Chicago. Bitch Sox 3, Twins 1.

The Twins clubhouse was as chatty as usual before tonight's game, despite the rather lackluster loss of the previous day. The guys had had lots on their mind the last few days, what with all the uncertainty in the air, but they knew that once things were more settled, they'd get back to their winning ways. So, as game time grew closer, and music blared through the clubhouse, Matt LeCroy could be found practicing his dance steps with TC Bear, Joe Mauer and Juan Rincon were measuring their sideburns, Torii Hunter was trying valiantly to teach Terry Tiffee one of his cool handshakes, Kyle Lohse sat in a corner and put stick pins in his Batgirl voodoo doll, and Shannon Stewart performed step 81 in his pregame regimen. Yes, all was normal and happy, until a loud gasp came from Lew Ford, who was sitting at his locker surfing the internet.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Guys! Guys!"

Now, usually, no one pays any attention to Lew, especially when he is near a computer, but this time, there was something different in his voice, something which told his teammates that he had something to tell them that in no way involved his stop-action analysis of the Star Wars Episode III trailers. Heads turned.

"What is it, Lew?" asked Matt LeCroy, stopped in mid electric boogalo.

"Look!" he said, pointing to his computer screen. "White smoke!"

A great gasp was heard in the air, as if it came from the clubhouse itself.

"You're kidding!" said Luis Rivas.

"It can't be!" said Michael Cuddyer.

One by one, the Twins players drifted over to Lew's computer. Little Nicky Punto walked into the clubhouse and noticed the scene.

"What is it?" he said. "Did Lew Photoshop Queen Amidala's head on a naked body again?"

"No!" Stewie responded, wide-eyed. "Lew-Lew says the conclave is over!"

Little Nicky gasped. "You mean…"

"There's a POPE!" everyone shouted. In the next moment Matt LeCroy swooped Little Nicky Punto in his arms and began throwing him up and down in celebration, Little Nicky squealing the whole time. Pretty soon, it was time for the game to start, and so the players filed out to the dugout, all abuzz with excitement.

"I can't believe it only took two days," said Jason Bartlett. "That's one of the shortest conclaves in 100 years!"

"I knew they could do it," said Ford. "I mean, what are they? The Vatican or the Vati-can't?"

The game had started by this point, and Shannon Stewart led off with a single, not that anyone in the clubhouse noticed. "I suppose Cardinal Ratzinger was the natural choice," continued Lew. "I see him really as a transition pope—"

"Oh, wait Lew," said Bartlett. "I'm up to bat. Hold that thought."

"Oh, okay." Lew held the thought and pretty soon Bartlett was back in the dugout after having grounded into a double play.

"Sorry, what you were saying?"

"Oh, just that I think they picked a conservative so they could spend some time thinking about where they wanted the church to go. No radical moves yet, you know?"

And so, the conversation continued. On the field, the players found themselves pensive—though it didn't much matter since Radke was pitching so well no one had to work too hard. In the dugout, though, talk was all Pope all the time. In the second inning, the conversation turned to the papal conclave and its history, then in the third, the players began to talk about the selection of this pope in particular.

"What I don't get," said Little Nicky Punto, "is why the name Benedict."

"Well, you know," said Kyle Lohse, "Benedict VIII was a great reformer. He was interested in keeping clerics celibate and fought against simony."

"Simo-what?" asked Cuddy.

"Oh, you!" Lohse laughed. "It's the selling of church offices! Hey, what's going on in the game?"

"Um," said Cuddy, "I think the bases are loaded with one out. Oh, and I'm up. Don't say anything interesting while I'm gone." Picking a bat at random out of the rack, Cuddy strode off to the field.

"I still don't get it," said Punto. "Why would Ratzinger choose a reformer's name when he's a renowned hardliner?"

"Well," said Lohse… "Oh, hey Cuddy! Welcome back. too bad about that strikeout. Anyway, he also could have been shouting-out to St. Benedict, the founder of Christian monasticism. St. Benedict was known as the patron and protector of Europe. Perhaps the new pope sees himself as the new savior of Europe."

"Screw that," muttered Carlos Silva.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing," Silva said, going back to his rehab.

"Oh, I gotta bat," said Punto. "I'll be right back."

Well, Little Nicky Punto came promptly back in the dugout, as did the three runners he stranded on base. And over the course of the Twins' at-bats, as conversation progressed from the players favorite popes (Most popular choice—Gregory VII who totally excommunicated the Holy Roman Emporer after the H.R.E. got up in his grill.) to their favorite Benedicts over time (Cuddy was partial to Benedict XIII, who cracked down mightily on excess in ecclesiastic dress, while Joe Mauer was fond of the Avignon styling of Benedict XII.) to great moments in Papal Decree, batters found themselves heading in and out of the dugout with alarming rapidity, not to mention baserunners.

It wasn't until the ninth, when Brad Radke—after having pitched eight strong innings but still finding himself behind three runs—interrupted a heated conversation between LeCroy and Stewie over The Babylonian Captivity went storming to the front of the dugout and stamping his foot.

"Hey," he said. "HEY!"

"What?" Everyone turned to look.

"CAN YOU GUYS STOP TALKING ABOUT THE BLASTED POPE AND START HITTING THE BLEEPIN' BLARGIN' BALL?"

One by one, the Twins players looked at each other and were ashamed.

"Oh, man, we're sorry."

"Totally!"

"We can talk about the Pope after the game!"

But by then, it was too late. The ninth inning is awfully late to realize you've been playing like Pope Boniface (III not V), and while the Twins were able to squeeze out one run, it wasn't enough. Radke was saddled with the loss, the Bitch Sox got a two game sweep, and the Twins' bats were in need of some serious papal forgiveness. You cannot blame Brad Radke, if, after the game he was heard to say, "May you reign a long time, Pope Benedict XVI, at least until after I retire."