Weekend Round-Up. Tampa Bay at Twins. Sweeeeeep!
Friday. Twins 7, Devil Rays 4.
Saturday. Twins 4, Devil Rays 1.
Sunday. Twins 3, Devil Rays 2.
Note: Batgirl would like to apologize formally to her vast team of highly-skilled lawyers for this entry.
When Batgirl was just a wee Batlass, she was hanging out with her older Goober and his friends as they played a pick-up game of Base Ball. Batgirl found the game so intriguing that she toddled right over to the batters box just as Mike Dalhie was taking a swing with his phat new aluminum bat and—boom! Right in the noodle! Batgirl survived relatively unscathed, but from then on whenever she closed her eyes she saw a swarm of aluminum bats flying at her head.
Flash forward, twenty years later. Batgirl is in a Himalayan prison for reasons that aren't very clear, where she lives an aimless and angry life, and where the bats still haunt her. Liam Neeson appears to her one night and says, "Batgirl, I can help you. I can take your fear and your anger and give it focus." He then gives her a weed and takes her up to his mountain to be his paduan learner, where he trains her in special Jedi blogging techniques like stealth, agility, and photoshopping. He teaches Batgirl to control her fears, to embrace them, to turn them against her enemies. Then he tells Batgirl to ready for her final test.
"As proof that you are ready to join the League of Bloggers, I have one final mission for you…"
He motions with his hand and someone brings out a small cage. Inside the cage is a small, pale man in a Twins hat who is clutching a homer hanky to his chest.
"Batgirl, this is your last test before I can admit you into the League of Bloggers. You must snark this man."
"What?"
"He's a fan and he still has faith in the team. You must destroy him with your rapier (wit)."
Batgirl took a step back. "I'm not going to do that!"
"Come on, Batgirl," said Neeson, "he is weak, and we despise weakness in the League of Bloggers."
Batgirl took a step back. "Well, your League sucks! I'm telling Twins Geek on you!"
"Batgirl, you must comply. You will need strength for your first League mission."
"Mission? What mission?"
"You must go back to Minnesota and destroy the Minnesota Twins."
"Are you crazy? F--- that!"
"BG, the Twins went 2-8 in a recent ten game stretch and are now 9.5 games back. They must be destroyed."
BG closed her eyes. She had worked so hard for this, but it was wrong, all wrong. She flashed back to one dark day in her youth when she picked on a fellow Twins fan out of anger and despair and her best friend, a young lad named Torii Hunter, taught her about the difference between justice and vengeance, sass and meanness, baseball and real life, regular cheeks and sweet cheeks.
"No," said Batgirl. "I don't want to destroy the Twins. I want to help them. You're MEAN Liam Neeson! I hope Darth Maul kicks your ass!"
And with that, Batgirl kicked Liam Neeson square in the nads, freed the poor helpless Twins fan, and caught a private jet back to Minneapolis where she belonged.
But what did she find when she got there? Her Minnesota Twins were not faring well. The nefarious Bitch Sox syndicate had taken over the AL Central, and the forces of good—led by doe-eyed assistant D.A. Torii Hunter—were struggling mightily. What could Batgirl do against such odds?
Well, there was only one thing to do—sit down and blog—yes, blog like she's never blogged before! How ironic, that she would try to put the skills that had been taught to her for evil to use for good—but it was all she could do. And with heart aflutter, she found her childhood friend, the doe-eyed assistant D.A. with a heart of gold.
"So," said D.A. Hunter, "you've finally returned."
"I thought about all you said, Torii, and I realized I could not stay away. I was afraid, because it really hurt getting hit on the head with an aluminum bat, and my fear led to anger and my anger led to the dark side. But by taking the path of vengeance, I have learned about the path of justice, and I am here to help my team now."
"But why," he said, pointing at her blog-tron, "why do you wear a mask?"
"I am a symbol, Torii. I am more powerful as a symbol than I am as a person."
"But we need people to do good, not symbols. And—" he turned away "—I cannot love a symbol."
"Come on, Torii," said Batgirl. "We can discuss our passionate, enduring love later. We have work to do."
With Torii's help, Batgirl found the last incorruptible cop in town—one Sgt. Kyle Lohse, and together they set out to clean up the AL Central.
Lohse and Hunter taught Batgirl that by doing good you inspire others to do the same, and soon her team began winning again. The Twins—no, they weren't ready to take on the nefarious Bitch Sox crime syndicate just yet—they had other fish to fry. Instead, they decided to visit the basement of the AL East and try to deal with a wee little sting ray infestation.
And deal they did. On Friday, they psyched the D'Rays out by having Jesse Crain pretend to lose the game for Johan Santana, only so he could emerge victorious when Jacque Jones laced a Dewan "I Am Lou Pinella's Bitch" Brazelton pitch for a bases-loaded triple. Ha! Showed them! On Saturday, Justin Morneau got out his boomie boomie stick and helped the good Sgt. Lohse to a virtuous 4-1 win. And on Sunday—after being temporarily dazed by Scott Kazmir's fear-pollen mask—the Twins took out their tazers and squeezed out a 3-2 win to make for a sweep.
Now, Liam Neeson will say that the Twins aren't, by any means, out of the woods and could still be destroyed at any point—after all, you’re supposed to sweep the freakin' Devil Rays. That's what the freakin' Devil Rays are for. That's why George Steinbrenner invented them in the first place in his evil lab! But, as a wise man once said, it's better to sweep the Devil Rays than not sweep the Devil Rays—and Batgirl remembers a time last season when we distinctly did NOT sweep the Devil Rays. And that's no fun at all.
After the series, Torii Hunter came up to Batgirl and took her by the hands. "I should have known you were doing good, Batgirl. I'm sorry."
"No, Torii," said Batgirl. "Everything I do, I do for you."
Then Batgirl and Torii Hunter made out for a really really long time, until suddenly Torii drew away.
"Batgirl, I accused you of wearing a mask once. Well, you do wear a mask, and it's your real face. The blogtron mask is the real you, but she doesn't belong to me. This girl that left me so long ago for the bleepin' Himalyas still hasn't come back. Someday, when all the evil is conquered, and when all the blogging is done, maybe she'll return. For now, though, you belong to the people."
Batgirl only nodded. She understood. But she and Torii made out a little more first.
And then there was one thing left to do. Batgirl went to the phone and called up Sgt. Kyle Lohse, legendary good cop and Awesome Pitcher Numero Uno, who had pitched eight innings of super fantastic one-run ball on Saturday—because Batgirl wanted to say thank you.
"Hey, Sgt. Kyle, that was awesome!"
"It's Lt. Kyle now. I've been promoted out of the doghouse."
"Yeah! Now you're in the dawg-house! Man, you've been looking so good lately! I'm so happy for you!"
"Aw, stuff it, Batgirl."