Twins at Detroit. Twins 2, Tigers 1

Now, really, was that so hard?

Look guys, let’s make a deal for next year. You can leave as many guys on base as you want. Really. BG won’t even blink an eye. You can leave everyone in the dugout on base, Wayne Hattaway, too, you can strand Batgirl and the Batkitties Three. You can strand the whole U.S. freakin’ army on base—heck, take the Navy, too. It’s all good. BG cares not, as long as you score more runs than the other team.

This isn’t really that difficult. Not when the pitching staff gives up 2 runs a game (when they’re not on strike that is). Not when Kyle Lohse, who has shed his Tantrum McSpazzypants persona and is very, very sorry, shows us that we’ll miss him if he’s gone next year. (Of his clubhouse-smashing endeavors, Lohse would say regretfully, “I just wanted the bats to hit something!”)

My dear Twins, you can put runners on all day, we know you can. Today, for instance, you had thirteen hits, three walks—one of them intentional—and a hit by pitch. That makes by Batgirl’s California math eighteen baserunners, of which you scored two. Which, again, is totally, one hundred percent fine with Batgirl because you won. And two runs off 13 hits, that’s respectable, kind of. (I mean, jeez, could you imagine getting 13 hits and not getting any runs? How pathetic would that be?) But the point is, under Batgirl’s Happy Kitten Plan For Ultimate Triumph you can put runners on all day with walks, hits, errors, bunts, whatever you want, and then, my friends, you can totally strand them ‘til the cows come home! You can first-pitch swing into double plays, strike out, pop out, whatever! The world is your oyster! Just as long as you convert on 2-3 of those opportunities a game, enough to score more runs than your opponents.

“But Batgirl,” you say, “how can we score more runs than the other team when we don’t know how many runs they’re going to score, huh? We’re not psychic, except for Old Man Mulholland, and maybe Mike Redmond since he got hit in the head.” Well, I say, let’s make this even easier.

Fact: you, Twins are 186-1 this season when you score four runs or more and, Fact: you are 10-960 when you score fewer than four. So, under Batgirl’s Happy Kitten Plan For Ultimate Triumph you score four runs a game. That’s two base hits with the bases juiced, or, say, one sac fly and a three-run double, or two sac flies, a base hit with RISP, and a walk-off bunt for Little Nicky Punto, or even—and I know I’m asking a lot here—one grand salami. Because salami is delicious and I think you like to eat it—are you hearing me, Matt LeCroy? Strand as many was you want, but score four runs a game and Batgirl bets you won’t be going home once October starts next year.

By the way, we’ve had the privilege of seeing two career journeymen minor leaguers make their debuts this year. There was Glenn Williams—ah, yes, that was ages ago, back when we were still young and had dreams—and now Chris “Hunts Is Fine But I Prefer” Heintz has been in the minors for ten years without a major league call-up, but this year he batted .304 in Rochester and was the Red Wings’ MVP, and the Twins made room for him on their 40-man roster. On Saturday, Heintz had his first major league appearance, on Sunday he got a start and a hit, tonight he his first RBI, scoring the Twins’ first run of the game, and last week he was turned into a chick for the first time. He has seemed absolutely giddy on his first tour with the show, and he is a reminder, even during these dark times, what a privilege it is to play the game, and what fun it is to watch it. Also, he is delicious with French fries.

BatNotes: Batgirl would like to take this moment to congratulate her beloved husband who handed in his dissertation today and is now Dr. Jeb. He has worked almost as hard on it as the Twins have to score runs this year. Unfortunately, Dr. Jeb then dove into the fountain near the registrar’s office and that’s when the BatCell went dead. BG is sure he’s fine.