Time is on Our Side

You’d think something that we live with 24/7 would be second nature, but time baffles us. The years fly swiftly by, seedlings turn overnight to sunflowers, blossoming even as we gaze. It’s trite, it’s sentimental, and it’s blatantly lifted from Fiddler on the Roof, but it’s true.

And if it’s true in life, it’s true in baseball. We tend to judge players’ age based on how long we’ve known them instead of how old they really are. So while we’re twiddling our thumbs this spring, it might be wise to reacquaint ourselves with our favorite team, and how old (or in my case, how maddeningly young) each of these guys are.

1985
Born: Oswaldo Sosa and Alexander Smit
Other: Two words: New Coke

Here’s the thing: I still FEEL like I’m pretty close to the guy I was in college. It is simply not possible that the Twins have guys on their 40 man roster who were born the year that I started college. Which is why I’ve decided that Sosa and Smit are, in fact, fictitious. I never really believed that the Twins had some left-handed kid from the Netherlands that was striking out a batter per inning anyway.

1984
Born: Denard Span, Alexi Casilla and Jose Mijares
Other: Michael Jackson is lit on fire.

Second baseman Casilla has passed center fielder Span on most people’s prospect lists, but it’s worth noting that he’s only five months younger than him. Both are light-hitting speedsters that play defensive positions and will start the year in Rochester.

But the similarities don’t end there. Both have veterans in front of them that are playing out their option year and will be free agents this offseason. Which means that at this time next year, both will be blocked by an inferior veteran recently signed on the cheap while the Twins insist that they both “need more seasoning”. Still, it’ll be interesting comparing their stats in Rochester throughout 2007.

1983
Born: Glen Perkins, Joe Mauer, Francisco Liriano and Matt Garza
Other: M*A*S*H takes itself too seriously for the last time.

Good Lord, look at that list. 1983 was a VERY good year. Robust body, just the right amount of jamminess and terrific mouthfeel. I’m crediting the long cool nights. When the Twins pick some 24-year-old in June’s 2007 draft, I won’t be among the bloggers lambasting them. It’s all about the vintage.

1982
Born: J.D. Durbin, Alejandro Machado, Jason Kubel, Errol Simonitsch, Julio DePaula
Other: John DeLorean arrested for cocaine trafficking.

Lesson #1: Durbin and Kubel both turn 25 this year, which is still young, but this is pretty much their last chance to show they can be something special. DeLorean, on the other hand, showed he was something special much later in his career.

He was also acquitted from that charge two years later without calling a single witness. It was a complete case of entrapment. Which brings us to Lesson #2: Don’t mess with the automobile industry in America. They will screw you.

1981
Born: Ricky Barrett, Justin Morneau, Garrett Jones, Jesse Crain, Scott Baker and Boof Bonser
Other: Reagan is shot by John Hinckley, Jr.

It was reported last week that Garrett Jones was moving to the outfield, and I’m betting he fully supports that move. When you’re the same position AND the same age as a guy who just won the AL MVP, turns out you might want to try a different position.

Or, maybe even a different organization.

1980
Born: Luis Rodriguez and Pat Neshek
Other: America watches “Who Shot JR.”

I don’t understand why the Twins don’t think Rodriguez can back up shortstop. I don’t understand how Neshek’s arm will ever hold up to 8 relief appearances. And I’m never going to understand the whole “Dallas” thing. Did we really spend months waiting to see who shot some scumbag? I didn’t get it then, and it’s even more surreal now.

(Of course, my life pretty much revolved around Bo and Luke Duke making the General Lee defy gravity, so I don’t really have a leg to stand on. I’ll grant you that. Even if Cooter did eventually become a real-life US Congressman.)

1979
Born: Juan Rincon, Johan Santana, Michael Cuddyer, Carlos Silva, and Jason Bartlett
Other: Skylab crashes to earth, mostly around Australia. A cow is killed.

Odds are Bartlett is older than you thought. In fact, he’s only a year younger than Cristian Guzman, which is a little sobering. Usually, that’s bad news, but it may not be in this case. For starters, this will be his “Age 27” year, which is often a career year for players.

For those who prefer a longer view, his age lowers his potential, but most Twins fans will settle for a four year run of competence at shortstop. This means he won’t be a free agent until he’s 32, which is a bummer for Bartlett, but makes it more likely he stays with the Twins.

There’s something to be said for burying these guys in the minors for an extra couple of years. It almost makes a year and a half of Juan Castro seem worth it. Almost.

(Oh, and unlike “Who Shot JR”, Skylab deserved all the hype it got. Space stations randomly crashing down from the sky are super cool, and always will be. And having it fall on a single cow is such genius that I consider it the strongest single piece of evidence that God exists.)

1978
Born: Matt Guerrier
Other: Jonestown

1977
Born: Dennys Reyes, Jason Tyner and Nick Punto
Other: Saturday Night Fever is released.

Our lead Piranhas are a little long in their tiny razor-sharp teeth, it seems. Like Bartlett, it just means that they are currently in the prime of their careers, which is fine. Just don’t start harping to your friends about how Tyner needs to play more so we can “see what he can do”. This IS what he can do. He’s doing it.

1976
Born: Lew Ford
Other: Filming begins on Star Wars.

Coincidence? I think not.

1975
Born: Torii Hunter and Luis Castillo
Other: Drew Pearson condemns his own soul to an afterlife of eternal fire.

Would you have guessed that Hunter and Castillo are the same age? Me neither. In fact, after watching Castillo last year, I probably could’ve been convinced that he was up to four years older. It’s either further evidence that second basemen do not age well, or that we might not want to be quite as excited about 2007 as we are. Or both.

And Drew, I’ve said this before, but it bears repeating. When you ask Abraham to send me to dip the tip of my finger in water and cool your tongue from the agony of fire, you can forget it buster. You want water? Get it from Roger Staubach, who will be smoldering right beside you. An 8-year-old’s faith in the world died that day. And I still consider that game to be the strongest single piece of evidence that God does not exist.

1974
Born: Chris Heintz and Joe Nathan
Other: Nixon resigns.

As opposed to “re-signs”. Fellow bloggers, it’s a small thing, but can we work on this? Rondell White did not resign with the Twins this offseason. That doesn’t even make sense. He re-signed. Thanks.

1973
Born: Ramon Ortiz
Other: The 1970s version of Match Game debuts and quickly becomes the #1 show in television.

“During batting practice, it’s customary for the pitchers to stand in the outfield and (blank) the hitters’ balls.”

1972
Born: Rondell White
Other: Five White House operatives are arrested for burglarizing the offices of the Democratic National Committee

Last year, when the Twins signed White, they deflected criticism about the 34-year-old’s injury history by stating that he would be the full-time designated hitter. Does anyone else remember this? Anyone? Because now they say they plan to play him full-time in left field on the hard Metrodome surface. Does anyone else remember this? This was just a year ago, right?

1971
Born: Mike Redmond
Other: Television can no longer show cigarette ads.

And an entire generation of kids becomes healthier, but much, much less cool.

1969
Born: Jeff Cirillo
Other: Man walks on the moon.

There is only one thing that depresses me more than realizing that only one player on the Twins roster remembers the bicentennial. And that is that he was also the Twins biggest offensive acquisition of the offseason. Welcome aboard Jeff. When we meet, we can swap memories of the American Freedom Train and Dynamite magazine.

It Happens Every Spring

This entry posted by Twayn, who could use a good 5-horsepower, 2-stage snow blower.

I finally have something in common with the Twins players down at spring training. I hurt. My muscles ache. Pick a body part and chances are it could use a heating pad and a handful of Advil. I spent the better part of Sunday digging out from the 18 inches of snow that fell over the weekend. Literally digging. My snow blower, which served faithfully for several years, took one look at the arctic landscape and suffered a traumatic breakdown. And the blizzard came on the heels of a crazy busy week. In addition to the regular rigors of work and playing Bob the Builder with a family member’s bathroom remodeling project, I had a broken washing machine of my own to repair, chauffeur duty for two adolescent daughters with more active social lives than yours truly, and a long list of household chores that never seems to become a short list of household chores.

So over the past week, when I wasn’t up to my knees in bilge water and dirty laundry, I was up to my buttocks in snow. To add insult to injury, my oldest daughter went with a friend to the golf show at the Metrodome on Saturday and couldn’t wait to tell me the minute she got home that she got to meet Harmon Killebrew. She says he’s a really nice guy and I would have loved talking Twins baseball with him. I believe her. When I did manage to find some downtime, I tried to spend it wisely, perusing the papers and Web for all things Twins. And with spring training in full swing now, there’s no shortage of stuff. Here’s a small sampling:

• Twins clubhouse assistant Wayne Hattaway turned 67 years young on Saturday. Happy Birthday, Big Fella. We hope your recovery is going well and that we’ll see you in the dugout come April, and for many years to come. Hattaway shares his birthday with Twins minor leagues director Jim Rantz, who turned 69.

• No longer breaking news for most of us, but the Star-Tribune has launched a triumvirate of Twins blogs featuring Twins beat writer La Velle E. Neal III , national baseball scribe Joe Christensen, and expert fan Howard Sinker, better known to Bat-girl.com readers as the pen behind ‘The RD Report’. I have them all bookmarked and they’ve already become part of my daily dose of Twins reading.

• Periscope, the Minneapolis agency behind the award-winning “This is Twins Territory” advertising campaigns, is at it again. They’re producing four new television spots this year, and you can see two of them, Little Piranhas featuring Nick Punto and Jason Bartlett and Carpool featuring Johan Santana and Joe Nathan, on the Twins website. My prediction? Santana wins another Cy Young award. Nathan fails to earn an Oscar nod. Nicky and Jason abandon baseball for a career in synchronized swimming.

• After early raves that led Ron Gardenhire to pencil him into the starting rotation last week, Sidney Ponson may be making his first trip to Gardy’s doghouse this week. It turns out Ponson doesn’t have a proper work visa from Aruba, and can’t pitch in any spring training games until he gets the red tape resolved. That’s got Gardy in a bit of a funk. Best get that done quickly, Sid. One call to Cincinnati is all it takes to make a guy disappear.

• After several agonizing months, this is the week the Twins actually start playing games again. The first spring training game versus the Red Sox is this Wednesday, followed by games with the Yankees on Thursday and the Reds on Friday and Saturday. The first televised spring training game is set for noon on Sunday, March 4th against Boston on FSN and WFTC29. The Twins will get some national airtime when ESPN carries their spring training game against the Yankees on March 27th. Imagine that, the Yankees on ESPN. Who would have ever guessed?

• Out: WCCO-AM 830. In: KSTP-AM 1500.

• Twins legends Tony Oliva and Jim Kaat are on this year’s Hall of Fame ballot. Let’s hope the exclusive country club mentality of the voters finally wears off. We'll find out tomorrow who (if anyone) will make it to Cooperstown this year.

• Lefty reliever Dennys Reyes left camp today to fly home for the imminent birth of his third child. Best wishes to the Reyes family.

• Lew Ford will be getting an MRI to determine how badly he injured his knee while throwing in the outfield today. Matt Garza will undergo a precautionary CAT scan because he’s still suffering from headaches caused by a neck injury, and Jeff Cirillo is nursing a minor neck injury as well.

• Patrick Reusse doesn’t care much for blogs or bloggers. That’s okay. I’m still a bit reticent myself about the benefits of the automatic transmission and painless dentistry.

When Man Love Fades

This entry posted by Twayn, whose illusions are shattered.

We’re all adults here, right? I mean, it’s not like we’re in junior high anymore. No, we’re grownups now. We can talk about this frankly and maturely with a minimum of snickering, and we’ve already heard the Alex Fitzderek jokes so we can move past that too, thank you very much. No, this is something to take seriously, like misdemeanor charges or gingivitis. Because it seems, ladies and gentlemen, that Alex Rodriguez has been faking it for years.

Alex and Derek in happier times.

That’s right, A-Rod is a great big faker, just like those webcam girls that fill your inbox with spam about how hot they are for you, but they really aren’t, they just want your money and believe me, it can be hard to explain those credit card charges to your wife. No, it turns out the richest player in baseball isn’t nearly as cozy with teammate and dreamboat Captain Derek Jeter as he’s been letting on for several years. While Alex was leading us all to believe that he and Derek were still as close as the little piggies that went to market and to town, under the covers there’s been a bit of tension simmering between the two. Oh, we saw the signs, like last year when Derek wouldn't stick up for Alex when he was doing his Tony Batista imitation at third base, but we didn't want to believe it. Fortunately for the Yankees and their fans, Alex and Derek have handled the downturn in their relationship like men. That is to say, they’ve buried their real feelings as deeply as possible and hidden behind a facade of false conviviality.

Alex gives Derek one of his 'special' hugs.

And A-Rod’s relationship with Derek isn’t the only one that’s been suffering for years now. It seems as well that A-Rod’s relationship with the media has been a bit like that of many a dysfunctional couple, what with all the lying and the pretending and the passive aggressive behavior. So Alex lied to the media because that's what they wanted, because they didn’t really care about his feelings, you see, but he didn’t really enjoy the lying at all, he just did it to keep them happy. And the media, well, they’re just insensitive louts with insatiable appetites that don't give a tinker's damn about Alex’s vulnerable emotional states as long as they get theirs every day by deadline, so hurry up with those bloomers, A-Rod.

Alex and Derek were once so close they autographed each other's balls.

It’s sad, really. We can only imagine the idyllic Friday night sleepovers that took place in Derek’s Central Park West condo after an evening of cruising trendy Manhattan nightclubs, the intensity of their masculine bonding, the late night movie and video game marathons, the Saturday morning cartoon watching, the mysterious and sanguine rituals that turned this charmed pair, this veritable Castor and Pollux, into kindred spirits, into nothing less than blood brothers.

Sad indeed, but those days are over now, it seems, and have been ever since Alex got a bug up his backside and said some mean things about Derek to one of those damn media guys, the ones that not only don’t respect you afterwards but like to brag to all of their buddies about it, too. Word got around.

Alex and Derek performing their blood brother handshake.

“Alex says Derek isn't a real leader.”
“Alex says Derek is surrounded by talent.”
“Alex says other teams don’t fear Derek.”

It all went downhill very quickly after that. And now, a few years later, Alex seems to be ready to move on, ready to face up to the reality that while he may still share a locker room with Derek, they can never recapture the magic of those salad days they once shared, and that Tennessee Williams was probably right, there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.


Alex and Derek demonstrate the Dance of the Prima Donnas.

So why now? Why, you may ask, after years of deceipt and duplicity is Alex finally coming clean? Well, it's just a hunch, but there's a certain former Minnesota Twin on the Yankees roster this year, a guy Alex used to hang with in high school, a guy who maybe can help him deal with all of his confused and repressed feelings. A guy we like to call Dougie Baseball. Sure, maybe the Yanks did sign him for his late inning defense. But maybe, just maybe, it was because Alex could really, really use a friend again right now.

Come Monday

This entry posted by Twayn, with a big assist from Jimmy Buffett.

Headin' down to start spring training
and the pre-season baseball show.
I've got my rally cap on
I think that this year the Twins
will start things off on a roll.
And honestly, I didn't know
that time could pass quite so slow.

Come Monday, it'll be all right.
Come Monday, the season’s in sight.
I spent all winter long
trying to rewrite this song,
and I just want you back on TV.

Yes, it's been quite a winter,
big awards and contracts to sign.
And now you're done with vacation,
it’s time to start playin’ again.
And I tell you, I miss baseball so,
That’s the reason I can’t wait to go.

Come Monday, it'll be all right.
Come Monday, the season’s in sight.
I spent all winter long
trying to rewrite this song
and I just want you back on TV.

I can't help it, funny,
the game’s such a part of me now.
Remember the night in September
When the playoffs were no cause for doubt?

I hope you're enjoying the scenery,
I know that it's pretty down there.
You can hit fungos on Tuesday,
with you I'd watch anywhere.
The offseason’s worn me quite thin,
I can't wait to see games again.

Come Monday, it'll be all right.
Come Monday, the season’s in sight.
I spent all winter long
trying to rewrite this song
and I just want you back on TV.

Okay, on to the unofficial Bat-girl.com 2007 Pre-Season Photo Caption Contest (that isn’t really a contest)™. First, big kudos for all of yesterday's entries, you guys rocked. Really, solid hits up and down the lineup. You battled your tails off, and that's what we like to see. With spring training nearly upon us, we're going to wrap up the uncontest with this photo from the dugout, and what must have been an interesting conversation between Sweetcheeks and the good Doctor.

Get after it, Batlings.

Close Call

From the Associated Press:

PHOENIX - Michael Cuddyer and the Minnesota Twins agreed to terms Thursday on a $3.575 million, one-year contract, avoiding arbitration minutes before their hearing was scheduled at a Phoenix hotel.

The deal also includes a $50,000 bonus if Cuddyer gets at least 650 plate appearances in 2007. After making $1.35 million last season and posting career-best numbers in his first full season as a regular, Cuddyer asked for $4.25 million and the Twins offered $3 million. The two sides were together in a room waiting to argue their cases before the three-person panel, when they walked out and settled in the hall.

Batting cleanup between catcher Joe Mauer, the AL's batting champ, and first baseman Justin Morneau, the AL's most valuable player, Cuddyer hit .284 with 24 homers, 109 RBIs and 102 runs scored. His 11 outfield assists were tied for third in the league.

Minnesota had six players eligible for arbitration this year, but settled on contracts with each of them without going to a hearing. Twins pitchers and catchers are required to report to spring training in Fort Myers, Fla., by Sunday with the full squad due by Feb. 23.

A Valentine Story

This entry posted by Twayn, who is not eligible for arbitration.

Remember 1987? It was a great year to be a Twins fan, which I had been already for ten years, ever since moving to Minnesota. It was also the year, exactly twenty years ago today, in fact, that I got a special letter in the mail. It was from a girl I had met the previous fall, a girl I pursued despite the fact that she had a boyfriend. To her credit, she did nothing to encourage me at the time. So I gave her my address and asked her to get in touch if she ever found herself unattached.

Twenty years ago today she got in touch. We went on our first date one week later, just as pitchers and catchers were reporting for spring training. Much, much later, she would tell me she hadn’t intended to ever see me again, that she threw away my address as soon as she got home. But when she did, she heard a voice. “What are you doing?” it asked her. “That’s the man you’re going to marry,” said the voice. I was skeptical, too, but she swears it’s true. And if teaches us anything, it’s that you should listen when a disembodied voice tells you something. So she fished my address out of the trash and tucked it away, and there it remained out of sight and out of mind as autumn turned and the cold dark of winter settled in, until one day she found herself unattached, and remembered the voice, and wrote me a letter.

From our first date on we saw each other as much as our schedules allowed. She was working, I was in school. We lived 60 miles apart. But we had each other on the weekends, we had the telephone, and we had the Twins. You see, I’m one of those lucky guys who love baseball, and somehow managed to fall in love with a woman who loves baseball, too.

As the Twins season heated up in that summer of 1987 so did our romance. By the time the Twins clinched the pennant we were a serious couple. By the time they beat the Cardinals in the greatest World Series ever played we were a done deal, and we both knew it. We married three years later and we’ve been together ever since. So for us, Twins baseball is not just a sporting event, not mere entertainment. It’s part of who we are and where we’ve been together from the very beginning. One year after our wedding the Twins were on their way to the other greatest World Series ever played - but that’s another story for another time. Happy Valentine’s Day, one and all.

Now, on with the unofficial Bat-girl.com 2007 Pre-Season Photo Caption Contest (that isn’t really a contest)™. There have been some great entries the past couple of days, and my thanks to everyone who has participated. Here’s today’s photo caption contest picture, featuring an ensemble cast of some of our favorite Twins in a touching moment from last season.

Have at it, Batlings.

Word Up

This entry posted by Twayn, on assignment for Bat-girl.com

There were flashes of brilliance. And some really, really good effort. Plenty of hustle. Not a bad beginning at all to the unofficial Bat-girl.com 2007 Pre-Season Photo Caption Contest (that isn’t really a contest). A much better beginning than the Twins gave us last season, that's for sure. But I know we can do better.

Don't get me wrong, you all were great. You were. I blame myself. I'm the guy putting the lineup together. It was a good picture, but a little one-dimensional. And as much as I love Nicky, it did lack a little star power. So I need to step up my game. I need to give you guys a better chance to excel. That's why today, our photo caption contest picture features Barry and Torii in an All-Star moment that made many fans glance around uncomfortably and clear their throats, and made many others nod vigorously, point and mutter, "Uh-huh."

Caption on, Batlings.

O Caption! My Caption!

This entry posted by Twayn, on assignment for Bat-girl.com

Photography is the art of visually capturing a moment, of manipulating light and shadow and time, of containing the ethereal within two static dimensions. Sometimes a photograph can tell a whole story all by itself. Other times it needs some help. Some context. Some sass. And that’s where you come into the picture, Batlings.

To help counter some of the restless, relentless anxiety of waiting – endlessly, endlessly, endlessly waiting for Spring Training and Opening Day – Batgirl has sort of sanctioned an unofficial photo caption contest. Why is it unofficial? Because it’s not really a contest and Batgirl is not available to conduct it. There will be no winners declared. There will be no voting for first, second or third places, or any other places for that matter. And there will be no prizes. Because the knowledge to conduct an actual online photo caption contest with winners and voting and prizes is a closely guarded secret, like nuclear missile launch codes or the formula for Driven cologne, and I don’t have the appropriate security clearance for that.

So what’s in it for you, Batlings? Well, this is a chance to shake off the winter doldrums and stretch those muscles connecting your funny bone to the rest of your body. A chance to take your brain out for a little joyride around town with the windows rolled down, maybe stop and get it a chili-dog and a cherry Coke at the drive-in and let it moon your buddies while you cruise the drag. A chance to entertain and delight fellow Batlings with your scathing wit and overdeveloped sense of jocularity. A chance, even if it is for just a moment, to forget about the cold weather and work and lawsuits (oops, maybe that’s just me) and focus on what’s really important in life – baseball, and making fun of silly stuff.

Since this is an unofficial contest with no winners or voting or prizes, then there must not be any rules, right? Well, hold on there just a minute. We aren’t ready to condone anarchy just yet, not so soon after Disco Demolition Night. So here are the unofficial rules for the unofficial Bat-girl.com 2007 Pre-Season Photo Caption Contest (that isn’t really a contest):

1. Look at the photograph and use the comments area to post your caption.
2. You may post as many captions as you like, but please be considerate of others and give everyone a chance to play, just like in T-ball.
3. No crude profanity, please. If they can’t say it on broadcast TV, you probably shouldn’t say it here. And if they did say it on broadcast TV and got in big trouble for it, ditto.

So that’s it. Look over today’s photo (we'll have more throughout the week) and caption away. And as David Letterman is prone to say in such circumstances, “Folks, this is an exhibition, not a competition. No wagering, please.”

Mo' Joe

From the Minnesota Twins media relations office:

Twins Agree to Terms with Catcher Joe Mauer on Four-Year Contract

MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL, MN -- The Minnesota Twins announced today that they have agreed to terms with All-Star catcher Joe Mauer on a four-year contract that runs through the 2010 season.

Mauer, 23, led the Major Leagues with a .347 (181-521) batting average and became the first-ever American League catcher to win the batting title. In addition, Mauer set career-highs in nearly every offensive category, including, hits, runs (86), doubles (36), triples (4), home runs (13), rbi (84), walks (79) and slugging percentage (.507), while his .429 on-base percentage ranked third in the American League.

"We are pleased to have an agreement with one of Minnesota's brightest young stars," said Twins General Manager Terry Ryan. "Joe has become one of the game's great young players on and off the field. He has a bright future with this organization and means a great deal to the people of Minnesota."

Mauer became just the fourth different Twins player to win a batting title and the first since Kirby Puckett (.339) in 1989. His .347 batting average was the highest since Puckett hit .356 in 1988. The St. Paul, Minnesota native was named the American League Player of the Month for June after hitting .452 (42-93) with a .528 on-base percentage in 24 games. The following month, Mauer was named to his first All-Star Game, July 11 at Pittsburgh.

The first overall selection in the 2001 First-Year Player Draft, Mauer has spent parts of three seasons in the Major Leagues. He made his Major League debut on April 5, 2004 vs. Cleveland and has a career batting average of .321 (358-1117) with 70 doubles, seven triples, 28 home runs and 156 rbi in 306 games.

Finding Les

I guess we shouldn’t be surprised – he’s always been the invisible man. For chrisssakes, the guy started two games of the 1987 World Series (the watershed event of Minnesota baseball history) but where does he rank in your memories of Twins pitchers? Or even of 1987 pitchers? Let’s see – Viola, Blyleven, Reardon, El Gasolino, Emery Board Guy, The Fat Tub of Goo whose name I can never remember, Steve Carleton – how far down the list do you go until you get to him? Too far, probably.

That’s our fault, not his. He was taken out of Game 3 with the lead. He started the elimination Game 6. In his rookie year, no less. And it’s not like he hadn’t carried his share before that, either. He started 26 games in ‘87, threw a complete game and compiled a 4.37 ERA.

No, he wasn’t that good. And yes, his peripheral numbers were a little gruesome. But wasn’t that what the ’87 Twins were all about – a bunch of guys who were too young and too average riding their naivette (and more than a little luck) to a championship? Isn’t that what we loved about that team? So can you find a better embodiment of the ’87 Twins than Les Straker?

Well, maybe, but that’s only because we can’t actually find Straker. Nobody can. The Twins have apparently tried – Dave St. Peter was SURE he left him on his dresser, right next to his wallet, and why the hell does this always happen at the worst possible time, just as he’s trying to leave the house?

It is the worst possible time to misplace Les. This August the Twins will celebrate the 20th anniversary of that scrappy band of men, and according to the Pioneer Press, Straker is the only one they can’t find. A crisis room of sorts has been set up by some fans over at www.FindLesStraker.com to assist in reuniting Les with Twins Territory. You can stop by there with tips or just to reflect on your memories of Straker, of which I have none. Because of that invisibility thing, you know?

But that’s where the batlings can help, I’m sure. Because invisibility doesn’t bother batlings because they have that radar thing. Or it is sonar? Whatever. The point is we can sense things and people that others can’t, and right about now that’s exactly what we need to find Les, and guide him home. (Probably in a fairly erratic flying pattern. Because we’re not the most graceful bunch. But neither was Les.)

So let us comb the ends of the earth! Leave no stone or pillow-cushion unturned! Les is out there somewhere and only the batlings have the numbers, the passion, and that radary-sonary thing to find him. Fly, my fellow batlings! Fly!

Omission Impossible

This entry posted by Twayn, who is really sorry about that.

Ahem. Yes. Is this thing on? It is? Okay.
You know that post from last week? The one about hotness? Well.

Dimples, I have been duly reminded, are cute. Right arms that accurately propel baseballs great distances at terminal velocity are adorable. And hitting 24 dingers, driving in 100+ runs, and scoring 100+ runs in one season is HOT with a capital H-O-frigging-T, and don’t you forget it Buster.

Cuddy, I apologize. Really, I didn’t intend any disrespect. It was just an oversight, that’s all. And honestly, I was one of your biggest fans last year. I don’t know how many times I’d watch a game and I’d say to my wife, “There’s your Boyfriend of the Day right there,” and then later on somebody else would do something fantastic and game-changing and doubt would start to creep in and I'd get on the computer and find out that Joe or Justin or somebody else got it, and I’d post a comment like, “Cuddy needs some BOD love, too." You just had this unfortunate habit of playing very, very well when the Chairman was going 5-for-5 and the Doctor was hitting baseballs like they'd insulted his mother and Canada and Johan was just en fuego.

I was right behind you all the way, Michael, even early in the season when your outfield footwork made you look like a bad Dancing with the Stars contestant. But you worked on it, and you got better, and by September, why, you could have been out there tripping the light fantastic with, dare I say it, the long-leggedy Stacy Keibler herself -- who was absolutely robbed by Drew Lachey and I don’t care if it was two whole seasons ago I’m not going to let go of this one any more than a terrier will let go of a rat, which was exactly what I smelled when Stacy lost. And that's all I have to say about that.

So just to set the record straight, Michael Brent Cuddyer is also hot (and I say that freely without coercion or fear of reprisal). He also has some vociferous and, um, assertive supporters who get together to quilt and embroider every Wednesday afternoon and who are, in fact, excellent motivators. And even though he went and got himself married during the offseason, Cuddles' cheeky features, outfield cannon, and hitting prowess continue to warm the hearts and minds of adoring fans throughout Twins Territory.

And Cuddy, a tip of the hat and hearty congratulations to you. It sounds like your wedding was the Twins social event of the offseason. But I’ve scoured the Internet and can’t find a single picture from the reception out there, so I guess we’ll just have to be content with mental images of Matty LeCroy stuffing his face with shrimp cocktail and those little Beef Wellingtons. And thanks to the Internet, we also get to process this mental image, courtesy of the globegazette.com:

MASON CITY — Backup Twins catcher Mike Redmond admitted he has worked out more than usual during this offseason. In the past, this wasn’t the case for Redmond...

“First of all, my body’s not that great anyway,” Redmond told the crowd at Wednesday’s Twins Caravan. [But] Redmond said he had some incentive to stay in shape this offseason — Michael Cuddyer’s wedding in Jamaica.

“I got home and I had to hit the treadmill,” he said. “I knew I was going to have to take my shirt off in Jamaica. So I guess I can thank Cuddy for that.”

Uh, yeah, thanks for that, Cuddy. I think. We just hope Red Dog kept his shirt on during the wedding. And his pants, for that matter.

DISCLAIMER: This post is in no way intended to imply that any other member of the Minnesota Twins 40-man roster is not hot or otherwise unworthy of fan adulation.

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Twayn would like to thank his eldest daughter for her graphic artistry, and the Michael Cuddyer Fan Club and Sewing Circle for his kneecaps.

The Batbaby Report

After over a month in the hospital, BabyDash has finally been sprung.

He is a whopping 5 pounds 6 ounces, and is now residing happily with Batgirl, BatMom, and BatDad (BabyDash came out while Batgirl and Jeb were visiting the BatFamily for the holidays) and in about ten days they will head back to Massachusetts where Jeb is anxiously awaiting them.

Upon return to Mass last week, Jeb found some wonderful gifts from Batlings and Twins Goddess' lovely online baby shower--please excuse our delay in responding and know how much we appreciate your thoughtfulness.

BabyDash is anxiously awaiting his due date of Feb. 26, because it will mean spring training is nigh. He's an impatient little guy, which is perhaps why he popped out nine weeks early.

It was worth it.

Three Down, Three to Go

From the Associated Press:

AL MVP Justin Morneau agreed Friday to a $4.5 million, one-year contract with the Minnesota Twins, who also settled their salary arbitration cases with third baseman Nick Punto and outfielder Lew Ford.

Punto agreed to a $4.2 million, two-year contract, and Ford got a $985,000, one-year deal.

Morneau, a 25-year-old first baseman, hit .321 last year with 34 homers and 130 RBIs and won the MVP award by 14 points over New York Yankees shortstop Derek Jeter. Morneau's agreement was at the midpoint between the $5 million he had asked for and the $4 million the Twins had offered.

Punto, who hit .290 with 47 RBIs and 17 steals for the AL Central champions, will get $1.8 million this season and $2.4 million in 2008. He had asked for $2.1 million and had been offered $1.6 million.

Ford was a backup last year who hit .226 with 18 RBIs in 234 at-bats. In addition to his base salary, he could earn $65,000 in performance bonuses: $15,000 for 300 plate appearances, and $25,000 each for 400 and 450 plate appearances. Ford had asked for $1.3 million and had been offered $800,000.

Three Twins remain scheduled for hearings this month: AL batting champion Joe Mauer ($4.5 million vs. $3.3 million), third baseman Michael Cuddyer ($4.25 million vs. $3 million) and pitcher Juan Rincon ($2.4 million vs. $1.6 million).