From The Sporting News personal section:

Emotionally fragile SMT (small market team), 43 yrs. old, seeks NS (non-smoking) bullpen, any age, for friendship, cuddling, and not turning into total crap in the 7th, 8th, and 9th innings. Long walks, poetry, and peanut butter in the undies a must. Turn-ons include one-two-three innings, Rick Stelmaszek.