Twins at Expos. Twins 5, Expos 4. (11 innings)

[Be Forwarned: This post contains excessive and uncalled for profanity.]

Expletives were flying everywhere in tonight’s game. It started in the first inning, when Sun-Woo Kim was threatening to have a very Zach Day kind of day. He gave up hits to the first two batters—and Frank Robinson cursed, then promptly got the bullpen going. This could be a joke, but it isn’t. But then, after Corey Koskie hit a run-scoring single, Torii Hunter hit into an inning-ending double play—causing him to let out a cuss word or two.

That wouldn’t be the last time Hunter blasphemed tonight. He had a day so bad you’d think it was his birthday, grounding into that double play then striking out four times, once with the bases loaded. (And you can’t argue that the particular pitcher had Hunter’s number, since Robinson used eight different pitchers in the game. And that’s not an exaggeration either.)

In fact, most of the Twins batters might have muttered more than their share of epithets tonight. After Kim’s shaky first inning, he proceeded to retire the next twelve batters in a row—like so: crap, crap, crap, shit, crap, fuckin’ shit, crap, damn shit fuck, crap, crap, bollocks!

This was all well and good until in the 6th, when Kyle Lohse began to tire of pitching such expletive-free baseball, allowing the tying run, then the go-ahead on a Lew Ford error (Oh, golly!) then, with two outs, a two run homer to Nick “I Used to Play for the God Damn Yankees” Johnson. Ah, shit!

Then, a few Torii Hunter strikeouts later, it was the Expos’ time to maledict. A Guzie triple (crap, ya!) in the 8th made it a 4-2 game, then in the 9th Jones went deep, and Mauer, Cuddy, Rivas, LeCroy, Resto, and Guzie all combined for the game tying run. Fuck, yeah!

Well, then in the 11th something happened. Luis Rivas hit a ball very, very far. And that ball may have, in fact, landed on the foul side of things. But no one was really sure, and the umpire’s index finger went around, and Luis went around the bases—and that’s when Frank Robinson brought the swearing to a whole new level.

Really, I’ve never seen someone try so hard to get thrown out of a game. He practically begged the umpires. Please! Please? I’ll call you a cocksucker! There, I said it. You’re a cocksucker. See? You’re still not going to throw me out? Godfucking dammit, haven’t you seen Bull Durham? Okay, well, your mom’s a cocksucker. And your grandmother, too. What do you think of that, bitch? Huh? Oh, just throw me the fuck out, will you?

Or something like that...

So the Twins won the game, and we may or may not have deserved it, but it’s hard to believe that we wouldn’t have won it eventually given the only available pitcher the Expos had left was last night’s loser, Zach Day. And maybe some things were said that can’t be taken back. Maybe some new words were invented, maybe Frank Robinson’s mom is going to wash out his mouth. (Or at least BatMom will wash out Batgirl’s.) But this much is true: the Bitch Sox lost. The Twins are in first. And that means there will be much imprecation in Chicago. Life is good.