Twins at Brewers. Twins 4, Brewers 2

On this day, this sacred holiday beloved since the beginning of time, or at least the beginning of Hallmark, I believe it is time for the BatFamily (me, Batgirl, and you, Gentle Readers) to honor the baseball team known to some as the Minnesota Twins. For the Twins begat all their fans, including Batgirl—collectively, the team is our father, our progenitor, our paterfamilias.

Sure, sometimes there’s trouble in the father-child relationship. Sometimes the Twins push too hard, sometimes they don’t show us our love, sometimes they’re sitting in their ratty old easy chair reading the newspaper when you want them to be kicking the butts of the freakin’ Devil Rays. It happens. And we, the children—we rebel, we cavil, we retreat. All we want is their approval, but when they give it to us, all we want is our space—or at least for them not to blow 5 run leads in one inning.

But on this day, this sacred/overtly commercial day, let’s look at some of the reasons to be proud of our dear ol’ dads.

1) The Twins are in first place. Really. Now, we had a horrific slump and it is only by virtue of the Bitch Sox’s blessed suckiness that we’re a game and a half ahead instead of five games out. But even at five games out, we’d still be in this thing, playing gradually more and more solid baseball while the Bitch Sox find ways to fall utterly to pieces. (See: last year, when we were well out of first place and below .500 at the All-Star Break.)

2) The Twins are at .559, eight games above .500. Given the fact that everyone and their mother has spent time on the DL (it’s the mothers that really hurt), our MVP is still there, half of the players have been going through slumps of a Nietzschian variety, and we were 3-57 for May, this is pretty impressive. I’d rather have the team above .600, but hey, Dad’s not perfect and sometimes he needs a little drink to take the edge off, okay?

3) The Twins are 9-4 in the last two weeks. Such would indicate that our May woes are behind us. Yeah, we lost two series, and chewed up and spit out the Expos, but chewing up and spitting out the Expos is much better than them chewing up and spitting out us. (See: Expos v. Bitch Sox)

4) Johan Santana rules. He does. He totally rules. He struck out, like, everyone today. He’s the coolest dad ever. Plus he got two hits today. Who needs the DH when you have Johan? And when it’s time to pull him, we can just have Matthew Teddy Ruxpin Go Boom LeCroy pinch hit for him and he’ll hit a dinger. Perfect! We shall prevail!

5) Luis Rivas is hitting like a crazy man. In a good way, not in a first-he-drinks-then-he-hits way. Poor Luis has been the dad you make drop you off a few blocks before school much of the season, but in the last two weeks he’s batting .527 with two homers (sort of), two triples, and six RBI. In case you subscribe to Batgirl’s less-stats-more-sass aesthetic, let me just say that .527 is a lot. So Dougie may be slumping (See: Nietzsche) and Corey may be hurt all over (See: Ben Gay) but Luis is picking up the slack.

6) Plus we won today, stopping a mini-losing streak to the way-hot Brewers (and no, that’s not a phrase that’s been typed since 1982) thanks to eight innings of sheer liquid awesomeness by Johan, some clutch hitting by Torii, and solid play by a line-up in which everyone reached base at least once. (Except Jacque. He hates these Hallmark holidays.)

So, let’s all go out and buy some ties and cheap cologne and lots and lots of Hallmark cards and tell our Twin-dads we love them and we’re glad for all they've brought us. And then, tomorrow, we can discuss whether or not they’re hot.

p.s. Happy Father’s Day, BatDad!

Posted by Batgirl at June 20, 2004 05:20 PM