Yes, it’s time for another exciting edition of everyone’s favorite feature, MINNESOTA TWINS: HOT OR NOT? Last week, everyone agreed Johan was hot like a parking lot in summer time. We decided Lew was too-too and Matty a wee fatty--but after Batgirl proposed Dougie was too sticky to stay in HOT OR NOT, readers everywhere cried out, “No! He’s way, way hot!" So, Douglas and Johan will move into the next round. Who will stay this week and who will go? Find out on:

(And while you're at it, please do not forget to submit your limericks to Batgirl’s Second Annual Haiku Contest, below.)

Player #5 Joe Mauer

Okay, if we were, like, in high school, you know, we’d think Joe’s like the hottest thing. I mean, totally! I mean, omigod, have you seen his letter sweater? And if he would go to the prom with us, we would just, like, majorly die! I swear to god, he’s like Pacey and Dawson all in one!

But we’re not, like, in high school. We’re grown-ups. And Joe Joe still looks like he has braces-mouth. We may like watching men run around in tight pants, but we’re not depraved.

BatVerdict: Get back to us when he's old enough to rent a car.

Player #6 Michael Cuddyer:

Much like Twins management, we don’t really know what to do with Michael Cuddyer. When he’s hitting homers or turning a nice DP at second, we can’t help but notice how the particular sun-kissed shade of his honey skin brings out those sweet eyes, or wonder what would happen if we dove into those precious dimples of his and swum around for a while. But when he’s playing third and he kicks the ball into left field, we find those front teeth really awfully large, and wonder what on earth he’s storing in those massive cheeks, and why his chipmunk dad never told him to put the glove on the ground for ground balls.

BatVerdict: Cuddy, you're here, you're there, you're everywhere, and we have no idea whether or not you're good at baseball. You seem afraid of commitment--and thus, so are we.

Player #7 Torii Hunter

The two I’s in Torii are for Ay-yai-yai! Oh, Torii, will you love us and leave us? Please? Just once? Here, I’ll stand in this corner, and you come over to me and make goo-goo eyes and tell me how pretty I am and how I’m the only one for you, and then start making out with Sooz right in front of my face, okay? And then I’ll throw my drink at you and tell you you’re a bastard and I’ll cry all the way home and all night, too, and then tomorrow I’ll come back and beg for more. No? Really? Are you sure? Damn.

BatVerdict: We’re lovin’ it!

Player #8 Grant Balfour

There’s just something not quite right about Balfour. I mean, he’s got all the pieces of a real A-level hottie, but they just don’t quite work together right. Maybe it’s because he’s the tallest naturally occurring phenomenon in Australia. Maybe it’s that we can’t understand a bleepin’ word he’s saying. Maybe it’s that he hit someone with the bases loaded on Friday night, or that every time we go to the Dome, we’re afraid one of those 98 MPH pitches might hit us even if we are sitting on the right field foul line. Can you blame us? We can’t take a head injury, we have to get up early to follow around Torii.

BatVerdict: Much like his pitches, close, but no cigar.