Twins at Chicago. Twins 5, Bitch Sox 4.

Poor Justin Morneau. As soon as it came out that Dougie was going to be ditched for a younger model, one with blond curls and a lot of pep, the good doctor has been the other woman in the Twins clubhouse. He can't help it. He didn't ask to hit so many homeruns. It's not his fault that the organization turned him into a first baseman. And he certainly never asked Terry Ryan to fall in love with him. Sometimes these things just happen. And anyway, Terry never would have looked his way if everything had been all right with Doug, right? If Doug still had the offensive verve that he used to? As Terry said, Something's changed, Doug, between us; it's not you, it's me. No, well, actually, it is you. But anyway…

So you'd expect things to be a little strained in the Twins clubhouse, what with the Younger Woman and the Cast-Off just a locker away, and with Dougie being so popular with the First Wives Club and all. At the very least, you'd expect Morneau to feel the pressure—his every move will be scruntized, and Terry Ryan might remember just how good Dougie's home cookin' could be.

Morneau might have expected some people would take out their sadness at losing Doug on him, but he certainly could not have thought that it would be the fans and umpires at U.S. Bitchular Field. Well, life is full of surprises. Today, Morneau hit a ball to the very edge of the park, was given a homer, made to run all around the bases and into the dugout, then had the homer taken back—not once, but twice. No matter whether or not the right calls were made, that's just not nice!

Actually, the first time, it seemed a good call to take the homer back; the ball hit the yellow foam padding at the edge of the wall and bounced back in, and if that's in play, then that's a double for Dr. M.. Gardy argued a little, but his face didn't go all red and blotchy like it usually does when he's wronged.

But the second time, Morneau's ball seemed to graze the fair side of the right field foul pole, and the first base umpire did not hesitate in calling it a homer—until rightfielder Timo Perez and the outfield fans started yelling that the ball was foul. Well, of course, their credibility is unimpeachable, so the umpires consulted and changed the call. Gardy ran out and threw his hat around, turning a sort of deep cerise, though after the game everyone seemed to agree that the ball was foul—everyone but Batgirl. Batgirl says we're now even on homerun calls after Montreal. Batgirl has spoken.

Oh, and somewhere in between all of this, there was a foul pop to the bleachers and Dr. M ran up to the seats to get it just like a real first basemen. At this point, a Bitch Sox fan reached over and slapped Justin in the face, screeching, "That's for Dougie!"

Oh, but that wasn't all the bitch slapping that happened today. Actually much of it was probably inflicted by manager Ozzie Guillen to his mangy band of Yankee wannabes. He's tried so hard to instill baseball fundamentals on his team, but some dogs just won't hunt. The Bitch Sox ran themselves out of the seventh inning; after having runners on first and second with no outs, Jose Valentin went insane and tried to steal third (or something), and a couple pitches later Juan Uribe tried to steal second-- and Henry "the Arm" Blanco got two more notches on his catcher's mask. Slap, slap. Of course, then J.C. Romero felt really bad for them, and proceeded to walk six or seven guys, the day after Batgirl called him Lazarus. (Batgirl has no one to blame but herself.)

Then in the ninth, with the game tied, the Bitch Sox got runners on first and third with one out. The game was most probably lost; all they'd need to do was hit a sac fly and it was over. And of course, that's what they'd do—they wouldn't hit a grounder for fear of suffering a double play. So, it looked like we were going to drop this one. Which wouldn't have been terrible—two out of three ain't bad--but wouldn't it be nice to sweep them? Wouldn't it?

Yes. For instead of going for the sac fly, Joe Bouchard decided it would be a good idea to hit a grounder to Corey Koskie. That would be his last mistake. Boom, Corey fields, throws to Cuddy, then to Morneau. It ain't Tinker to Evers to Chance, but I'll take it. Slap.

Well, then in the tenth, Guzie led off with a walk and went to second on a bunt. They then walked Dr. M, because surely that next homerun was not going to get called back, and Torii advanced the runners with another bunt. (Hi, it's called small ball!) Then Jacque Jones hit a towering foul pop-up which both Jose Valentin and Carlos Lee went for. Lee was closer to the ball, but Valentin screamed, "I've got it! I've got it! For the love of God, I've got it!"

He didn't, in fact, have it. He dropped the ball (Slap) and on the very next pitch, Jacque Jones hit a nice single, scoring Guzie and causing much joy in the BatQuarters.

There was much rejoicing in the BatQuarters.

Then Count Chocula came on and with the help of Torii "I Can Fly!," Hunter, made quick work of each Bitch Sock he faced. And that, my friends, is a sweep, making the Twins 3.5 games up, and making Batgirl very, very happy.