Boston at Twins. Twins 4, Red Sox 3.

Forget Kerry/Edwards, forget Bush/Cheney, forget Nader/Camejo and yes, forget Picard/Riker. This year Batgirl will be writing in Johan K. Santana for President of the United States.

Could there be a better candidate? So what if he's not a citizen? Who cares if he's about ten years too young? Who needs the Constitution when you have a sweet change-up? Does Johan have a message? You bet he does; just listen to him every time a hitter whiffs. What's that you say Johan? "Ha! Sit down bitch?" Couldn't have said it better myself.

All we've heard this election year is the candidates fighting over who is more optimistic about America. You want optimistic? How about 173 strikeouts; that's frickin' optimistic. How about a .205 opponents' batting average, and an .095 average for July. How about allowing four hits or fewer in his last ten starts? How about two-hitting the BoSox today? Sure, those two hits were homers--but Johan's a uniter, not a divider.

And no one, I mean no one is more optimistic than Batgirl on a day Johan Santana is going to pitch. Pedro Martinez? Esteban Loaiza? Bring. Them. On. Carl Everett? Johnny Damon? Put 'em in a lockbox and throw away the key, for they'll be whiffing today. Indeed, Johan reached double digits in strikeouts again, with twelve. His challenger, Pedro Martinez, who's supposed to be all that, only had eleven. Come on, Pedro, aren't you even trying?

Our nation is having troubled times, and I ask you, who better to lead us than Santastic? He's strong on defense, tough on the Bitch Sox, fluent in Spanish, compassionate toward the less fortunate (LeCroy)—and he likes to promote summer reading. Luxembourg giving us trouble? Congress won't pass the health care bill? Step up against Supernatural and see what happens! Actually, I'll tell you what'll happen. Sit down, bitch—that's what'll happen.

Hope Is On The Way—Johan-style!

Of course, a good president needs a good team behind him; today I'd suggest Torii Hunter for Secretary of Defense for a home-run stealing catch in the 3rd, Corey Koskie for Dept. of Justice for knocking the ball loose from Jason Varitek's cold dead hands in the 2nd to tie the game at 1, Guzie as Secretary of Kick Ass for leading a double steal in the eighth, and of course Dr. Morneau as Surgeon General.

We faced some adversity today—those two homers for instance, and the whole Pedro Martinez thing. But adversity only makes us stronger, and without it, how can we prove our mettle? We overcame, gentle readers, we overcame. Our runs came through hard work and good old-fashioned Twins values—in the second, a double by Koskie followed by a LeCroy single followed by Koskie body-checking Jason Varitek into the Twins dugout. Then in the sixth, a Lew "Secretary of Education" Ford double followed by a Torii Hunter single. Then in the eighth, with the Twins behind 3-2 and Johan's win on the line came a Guzie hit, a Ford hit, that double steal, then Dr. Morneau came up and filibustered for a few pitches until—BAM! A fly ball to deep right. Guzie scores, Orlando "Not My Best Day" Cabrera fumbles the cut-off, and Ford casts the final vote for victory.

Yes, happy days are here again in Johan Santana's America. How could you not support a guy who led us to a series victory against the feared Red Sox? Oh, my friends, the dog days of August are here, we have great challenges ahead of us—but with the Johan Administration we will see it through, together.

(Of course, Johan's going to need a running mate, and I feel certain he'd want his veep to be a Twin, But, gentle readers, who?)