Twins at Angels. Twins 7, Angels 1.

I have no idea why anyone ever let the Fox network get their hands on baseball. I mean, despite the best efforts of Bud Selig, baseball is still basically an understated game, full of tradition and, dare I say, dignity. Fox wants football, that's fine with me; take the pituitary cases ramming into each other and put as many lasers and sound effects and computer animated football-playing robots as you want on the broadcast. I don't care. But can't you leave Batgirl's pastime alone? Fox has already turned the All-Star Game into something akin to the Miss America pageant, minus the swimsuits and breast amplification, and every time I watch one of their Game of the Week broadcasts I transform into the Incredible BatHulk and start swearing violently and throwing things around the BatQuarters. Batgirl smash!

Like, for instance, Scooter. Have you seen Scooter? Scooter is an animated baseball that explains to us that a slider is a pitch that slides. And while Batgirl greatly believes in making the game accessible, does it really have to be with a f----in' smiling animated baseball? And why is it called Scooter? Why not Zippy or Booger or Billy or, for that matter, Goober? Or how about Ass-face? Ass-face the animated baseball. Want to know what a change-up is? Just ask Ass-face! Hello Ass-face! (Batgirl makes high squeaky voice) Hello Batgirl! Would you like to learn about a split-finger? Thank you, Ass-face! No problem, Batgirl, it's my job to teach alllllll the childrens about baseball.

But it's not even Ass-face, nor the relentless, shameless advertising—which Batgirl, alas, has become used to thanks to Fox Sport Net's visionary whoring of every aspect of the game. Pretty soon, they're going to start sponsoring the sponsoring, so the next Dodge Game Reset will be brought to you by Cambria countertops—that really bothers Batgirl.

No, the real problem is that the Fox national announcers are just utter and complete boobs. I mean they seem to have a sense of the basic principles of baseball, undoubtedly thanks to Ass-face, and really, they should be commended for that. But still—call Batgirl crazy—she believes that if you are going to cover a baseball team on national television, it is incumbent on you to spend ten minutes before said game reviewing the basics of how to pronounce the names of at least the starting line-up. I mean, no one's expecting you to do the whole twenty-five man roster—that's crazy talk.

I mean, yes, we're the Minnesota Twins and most national announcers don't know anything about the team beyond "Torii Hunter catch good." And why should they, really? We're in the Midwest, flyover country, a small-market team, destined to go back into baseball oblivion just as soon as we stop winning so much. And could we cut that out, please, because Frank Thomas sure makes good copy.

Yes, Batgirl is irritated. First they kept referring to Johan K. Santana as "Joanne." Then they informed us that "Crist-yan" Guzman's nickname was "Goozy." They actually had it written out. And I just wanted to ask, "Hey, Fox Sports guys, this guy's last name is Guzman. G-U-Z. So if you hear the nickname Guzie, how do you think it's spelled? When Jacque Jones made a spectacular catch in the second inning, one of the announcers called him Shannon Stewart. Later, they referred to Hunter as Jones. Now I know it's hard, but if you're confused, try looking at the names on the back of the uniforms. That will help. We were also treated to a game's worth of Henry "Blank-o," which is fine because it's not like he's been in the major leagues for any amount of time.

And this is when they talked about the Twins at all. Mostly we got a very informed and impassioned lesson on the Angels, on their history and influence, their agony and their ecstasy. We heard about ten minutes of orgiastic discourse on the fielding of converted first baseman Darin Erstad. Apparently, he's a shoo-in for the gold glove, because nobody's ever seen a first baseman who can field! It's like a miracle! Can you name another first baseman who really can field? I sure can't.

Anyway, Batgirl started smashing things at about the third inning, and could be heard screaming things at the television like, "If you call Johan Santana 'Joanne' one more time, I'm going to come over there!"

Well, they called my bluff, that's for sure. Later the announcers started talking about Mr. Santana's first name, about the unusual nature of the hard "J" in a Latino name, and one guy said, "It's just one of those universal names! Joanne is Joanne is Joanne, wherever you're at!"

I guess the bright side is Batgirl had time to focus on smashing things and announcer-related rage because of the terrific performance of Johan Santana and his merry band of ballsmashers. Santana pitched seven complete innings, only allowing four hits and one run. Bartolo Colon didn't fare nearly as well, giving up four runs in the third inning, thanks to an RBI single by Stewart, and a 3 run homer by Mr. Jones. Mr. Jones also distinguished himself admirably in the field, making two dazzling catches, one of which he was actually given credit for.

The Angels' win streak has stopped at nine, which is probably a good thing, inertia wise, while the Twins' has started at one. We remain at least 7 games up on our nearest rivals, and Johan Santana continues to motor toward his Cy-season. Now, if we could just get someone to pay attention…