WRITTEN BY ARRSCOTT

Texas at Twins. Twins 4, Rangers 2.

From Amsterdam, Netherlands

Dear Terry Tiffee,

You know that bit where you hit a double down the line to drive in the winning run? Yeah, keep doing that.

That's mister Tiffee to you.

Since your wife is still driving down from Rochester, New York, and you are spending your very first night in the Twin Cities all by yourself, I hope some of the guys take you out to celebrate. Because, really, major-league debuts just do not go better than yours.

And if you run into Terry "Secretary of Veterans Affairs" Mulholland, please pass my compliments to him on yet another excellent start. Sure, I could have done without so much of his put-the-first-batter-on-base showboating, but I can't argue with his results.

Admiringly,

arrScott

From Bemidji, Minn.

Dear Lone Ranger,

Who would have predicted that Terrence John Mulholland and Chan Ho Park would take a pitcher's duel into the seventh inning today? I sure wouldn't have, no sir.

"More lumber, please."

With Doctor Morneau and Lewwwww Ford in the lineup, I've gotta say I expected to see a lot more lumber. And you know how much I enjoy lumber. Like when Stewie led off the game with a home run over the baggie in right. That was some very fine wood indeed.

It's not like I expected the Twins to clear-cut their way through the Rangers tonight. But if a one-trick pitcher like Park can hold the Twins to two runs in seven innings, after hitting two batters, then Minnesota can expect to be felled quickly in the playoffs. You know, geez, guys, it's just a slider. You can hit that pitch; you really can. So why did Park fool you with it darn near every time? Can you tell me that?

But dontcha know it, everything worked out here in the North Woods when Luis Rivas dropped his axe on his toe, bringing in September callup Terry Tiffee for his first big swings. Crack! went Tiffee's bat in the sixth for a single. Crack! went Tiffee's bat in the eighth, clearing both runners ahead of him from the bases and driving in the winning run. It wasn't the lumber aisle at Menard's, but gosh it was better than nothing, you know?

Tell Silver that Babe says hello,

Paul Bunyan

From Fort Worth, Texas

Dear Paul,

Y'all stop messing with Texas.

"Stop messing with Texas, please."

I mean it. Stop messing with Texas. Thanks to your cursed Northern meddling, my Rangers are slipping out of playoff contention. You are wrong, sir, wrong to jump all over Francisco Cordero, the most consistent closer in the American League, after Park administered frontier justice to your batters through seven innings.

Such scoundrels and rogues I have rarely seen; not only did you rustle the very game from the righteous Rangers, for the second night running, but that slippery bandito Guzman and the shifty card-shark Ojeda conspired to steal hit after hit from the Texas batters, delivering same into the willing hands of Doc Morneau. I ask you, is this the face of justice in Minnesota? Daylight robbery, more like.

—Lone Ranger

From big camp by the Cuyahoga

Kemosabe,

I cast an approving eye on today's result, with your hapless Rangers once again falling before your enemies' merciless onslaught.

"What you mean 'we,' white man?"

Thursday is Native American Heritage Night at the Metrodome, or First Nations Heritage Night to Messers Koskie and Morneau. Perhaps a Twins sweep will instill in you haughty Texans some degree of humility. But methinks not, and so I hope at least to savor the sweet taste of your continued humiliation at the hands of the Twins.

And my birthday is not even in July, so you might as well remove me from your address book entirely. I bid you good day.

—Tonto

Posted by el diablo at September 2, 2004 01:48 AM